How to deal with the ending of an affair

by Mandz

From Mandz, with Elly's reply
My partner says he loves me and misses me, but has left to spend time out to sort out what he wants. His ex wife will not leave him alone emotionally. She uses his children to keep in constant contact. She states she wants no contact from him other than two nights a week when he phones children, but she feels free to phone at any given time.

After two years she is still at him to come home and put her first like he did me. She constantly texts me blaming me for everything that has happened.

I made the mistake of becoming very insecure and jealous over her constant contact. I know he now feels torn between me and maybe loosing his children. Under no circumstances did I want him to feel that there was a choice to be made. I have children and wouldn't choose over my kids.

Can I help him in anyway and how do I cope now with not knowing if he will come back home to me?


Elly's relationship advice for Mandz

Dealing with an ex-wife is always going to be more difficult when there are children involved. Your partner has come with a 'package' as it were, and you seem to totally have accepted that, Mandz. You understand that he could not be put in a position whereby he would have to choose between you and his children. Having children yourself, you understand that you would without a doubt loose.

Unsurprisingly you were unprepared for the frequent demands of the ex wife, including her wish for her ex husband to return. I can understand that you have felt insecure under the circumstances. However, I guess that would have 'leaked' out in your relationship with your partner and I suspect that it would have translated in his feeling 'nagged' and put under pressure.

Your partner also would have played a role in keeping this situation going. I wonder too how his marriage ended and at what point the two of you started this relationship. Very often if a partner/spouse moves too quickly into another relationship, there is no time for the ex to really adjust to the situation. The result is nearly always a blurring of the boundaries and difficulties with access to the children.

It sounds like your partner is unable to deal with the situation any longer. There is very little you can do to ease his distress, other than to allow him to work through this in his own time. Try not to put pressure on him to make up his mind. You will be wasting your energy and will most likely push him further away.

I can understand that you are feeling very anxious now, Mandz. You maybe facing the end of your relationship - that is clearly not what you wanted. I am sure it feels a bit like a 'no-man's land'.

You have given me very little information to go on and have asked me some very big questions. There is lots of information on my site to help you deal with your anxiety and sadness on account of the (potential) loss of your relationship. Do explore the pages and follow the advice. The calmer you can be, the less needy, the more approachable you are likely to be, Mandz. That can only benefit the situation.

Wishing you all the best,


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