Children and divorce

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Divorce effects on children

A divorce is painful whatever the circumstances.  It is therefore particularly important to understand what the divorce effects is on children.

In making the decision to split parents have to consider: how does divorce affect children?  Whilst adults may recover and move on to a new relationship, the effects of divorce on children can be more long term.

Whatever their age - because even adult children are affected - the impact of a divorce can be one of the most life-changing and distressing things that will happen to a child.  However, it does depend to some extend on how the divorce is handled by you and your spouse.

If you are at all unsure about ending your relationship/marriage, then please do take my end relationship test.

The effects of divorce on children

The effects of divorce on children will vary hugely.  So, what should you be considering then:

• the child's age- to what extend are they able to understand what is happening
• their ability to cope with changes in general
• nature of the divorce - is it a long, acrimonious, legal battle with lots of nasty consequences for any of the parties, including the children
• the way in which the parents communicate
• the way they handle any necessary unpleasant changes
• the extend to which each parent makes it okay for their children to love and be with the other parent

There is another important list of factors further down the page when you consider divorce and its effect on children.

Making divorce more manageable

It is imperative for parents to consider how divorce affects children.  So, keeping your children's interest in the forefront of you mind, is likely to make the process better for them.  Thereby the whole process will also be more manageable for you.

Separation and divorce require you to constantly think: divorce and the children - never seeing it as just an issue for yourself.  However, you do need to take care of yourself.  When you are coping reasonably well, you are more likely to have the energy to make sure that you stay aware of the impact of your divorce and its effect on your children.

If there is still a chance that you can sort out your marital problems, than take action right now.  Don't leave it to chance - fight for it.  Are you aware that second marriages have a 75% chance of ending in divorce?  Therefore it is so worth investing all your energy into making sure that you have done all you possibly can (even if your partner is less inclined to put in the effort and it seems you are doing all the work.)  I recommend: Save The Marriage, by Lee Baucom PhD.

Divorce and children

The effects of divorce on different age groups

Divorce affects children in each age-group in a different way - for sure.  However, there are many factors that determine how your particular child is going to deal with your particular situation.

For example when considering divorce and children, the following factors all play a role:

• emotional age, rather than their date of birth
• their relationship with you
• their relationship with your partner/spouse
• their relationship with their siblings
• significant health issues
• significant developmental issues (often linked with health problems)
• any other significant childhood adversity
• trait, personality, character
• friendship circle or lack of it
• their relationship with members of their extended family
• the relationship history of you, their parents
• the nature of any previous relationship/marital break-ups they have experienced

For smaller children the loss of consistency and constant change that divorce brings can be very unsettling.

When we are talking about children and divorce and the effects separation/divorce has on them, it is particularly important to note the hugely detrimental effect when any arrangements you make for their care are inconsistent, dysfunctional, 'punishing' and irregular, with their needs always coming last.  Of course the risk of a negative effect of divorce or separation on your children is going to be much higher under these circumstances.

It can be just as upsetting for teenagers with a greater understanding of feelings and relationships.  Teenagers can have very definite views of 'who is to blame' and they, like the younger ones, may feel that they themselves are in some way to blame.

Unfortunately it is a fact of life that parental break ups are common and most children will be aware of others who are part of a multi-layered family, sometimes having had several step-fathers or mother, as well as a number of stepsisters, stepbrothers, half-sisters and half-brothers.

The more complex the family situation, the more there is a need to handle your divorce and your children's needs by having a carefully considered parenting plan.

Children grieve too

Like the adults in the relationship the child of whatever age is likely to go through various stages of `grieving` when they learn about the divorce.  They are effectively mourning the loss of family life they have always known and the reassuring presence of two parents (if indeed that presence was safe and reassuring!).

'It is not happening'

It is quite common for children to be in denial.  Hence the affects of divorce on your children seem to be minimal.  This denial is your child's coping strategy.  If he/she thinks it is not happening then in their mind it won't.

Mum and dad will get back together

Your child may harbour the notion that the two of you will somehow reunite and all will be well.  Indeed this does often happen - many a lawyer will vouch for it.

If this is not a possibility it is important to make sure that your kids really understand that you are really going to separate/divorce.

How to talk to children about divorce

How do you tell your children that you are going to divorce?

For you to even be thinking about divorce and children is likely to be painful.  Having to tell your children that you are going to divorce will be one of the most difficult conversations you will ever have with them.  Ideally it should be done with the two of you together.  However, this clearly is not always possible or even desirable.  Here are some ideas to help you all:

• USA: Children and divorce resources
• UK: Children and divorce resources

Your task is to help them cope with the changing circumstances.  You will find more information on how to minimise the effects of divorce on children on my page: children in the middle.

The emotional turmoil

Once the reality of the situation takes hold, your children are likely to move on to mood swings.  Angry outbursts and changes in eating habits are characteristic.  The anger may be directed at whichever parent they feel is responsible or even at themselves if they feel they are to blame.

Constant observation and communication is essential.  Your children are very vulnerable during this stage.  Fear is one of the key effects of divorce on children- essentially a fear of the unknown:

• who will they live with
• will they have to move home/school
• will their parents get new partners
• will I still see my friends
• will my birthday party be canceled - younger children may not comprehend the magnitude of what is happening and teenagers are very sensitive to what their peers might think

It is important to treat these fears with respect as they are very real to your child.  Address them as best and as honest as you can.  I know it can be really difficult for you as the parent to hold it together, when you may well be sharing some of the same emotions!  However, constantly reassuring your child of the love of both of you will enable them to see that there are things that are constant and remain strong.

Is it best to let your children choose?

Most importantly the divorce effects on children will be heightened if the child is asked to make choices between parents or used as a weapon or bargaining tool in the divorce process.  Help in dealing with the home situation, when considering divorce and children can be found in many places, including social care courses (see links), but specifically on my page Children in the middle.

Remember - for all concerned - do consider giving it your all to try and rescue your marriage.

You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
How to choose a divorce lawyer Divorce tips Problem solving strategies Getting over a relationship Dealing with infidelity - page 3

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Other helpful links:

Parentline Plus
Royal College of Psychiatrists
CAFCASS - Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service
Wiley Online Library - The long-term effects of parental divorce on the mental health of young adults
Huffington Post - Divorce research - top findings of 2010
Home learning social care courses

Images courtesy of: 1 T. Rolf, 2 Melissa Thompson; 3 & 4 T. Rolf

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