Getting over a relationship after an affair, breakup or divorce

Part 1, Part 2

I really feel for you right now if you’ve just broken up with someone. You’re probably feeling like the pain is too much. You just want to recover, and to know how to get over the relationship as quickly as possible.

Maybe you saw it coming, or perhaps the dreadful news came completely out of the blue. No matter how it happened, you’re probably feeling hurt, angry and in despair. It many ways, it’s just like suffering from a physical illness because you can feel out of control and simply horrible.  

The good news is: you will recover. I believe in you and know that you have the strength to do it.

The bad news is: it may not happen as fast as you want it to.  And it may not happen as fast as the people around you want it to either!

If you need help getting over an affair, I’ve written some special advice on this, so do have a look at Surviving Infidelity and Dealing with Infidelity.

If you’re having trouble getting over someone you broke up with some time ago, I’ll be able to help you more if you have a look at my page How to Get Over Someone.

Is it really too late?

If there’s any chance at all that you may be able to rescue the relationship and you still want to fight for it, then visit my page: How to Save Your Relationship or Marriage.

I’ve reviewed an excellent programme to restore (and perhaps even improve) your marriage or relationship. It was developed by Lee Baucom PhD, who is a very successful couple therapist.

Your spouse or partner may appear to have no problem, but what about you?

Your reaction and your ability to get over a relationship after a break up, separation or divorce depend to a large extent upon your individual circumstances.

The following factors can all have an impact…

10 Factors that have an impact on the ending

  1. The length of the relationship or marriage
  2. How recently you split up
  3. How 'intense' or even 'obsessive' the relationship was
  4. How important it was to you (clearly, for you: very important, otherwise you wouldn’t have visited this page)
  5. How it ended
  6. Whether there was any domestic violence
  7. Whether or not the relationship was an affair
  8. Whether or not it was an 'on/off' relationship
  9. To what extend you both show generosity of spirit
  10. Whether or not you have chosen for a collaborative separation or divorce
Sign: The End

However it ended, you’ll feel the loss acutely. You are in fact grieving. It can feel as if someone close to you has died. The psychological reaction to this type of loss is much like a bereavement.

One way to speed up your recovery is to get some help dealing with those waves of emotions. I’d recommend hypnosis for this, and the downloads Mend Your Broken Heart and Getting Over a Relationship would be the ones to go for. See my page on Self-Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.

Has your relationship or marriage recently ended?

If you’ve only recently broken up, you’ll feel at your worst right now. It’s perfectly understandable if you’re even feeling completely 'off your rocker'.  Nothing anybody can say is likely to make you feel better… other than your ex saying he or she wants you back and to be with you forever.

In the early stages you might go through almost hourly ups and downs, and it’d be a good idea to prepare yourself to expect any of the following:

  • feeling like you’re suffering a nervous breakdown
  • having trouble sleeping
  • feeling tired a lot of the time
  • waking up feeling exhausted
  • feeling confused and being unable to concentrate
  • feeling irritable and snapping at the slightest thing
  • experiencing a change in appetite: comfort eating or eating very little
  • having digestive problems: feeling nauseous or having stomach pains
  • having a poor memory
  • losing interest in the things you used to enjoy
  • having the same thoughts going round and round in your mind
  • feeling unable to organise your thinking
  • revisiting old memories, wondering if you got it wrong

However painful, under the circumstances - all of this is normal.  But that intense 'rawness' will begin to settle within a couple of weeks – I promise! The periods of time when you’re feeling relatively OK will increase in frequency and length, over time.

Of course, your progress depends on what your ex does too. If you or your ex-partner deliberately try and complicate matters, you’re going to be more stressed and feel worse. Recovery will be delayed if one or both of you make it as difficult and stressful for the other as possible!

How devastating can it be?

Breaking up with someone when you haven’t been living together can be utterly devastating. However, when there are possessions and/or children involved, the whole business of a break up, separation or divorce becomes so much more complicated and traumatic.

10 Factors affecting how quickly you get over a relationship

  1. Whether or not this is the first break up you’ve experienced
  2. Whether or not you’re waiting for divorce proceedings
  3. Whether or not you have children
  4. How well you behave towards each other
  5. Whether there are other stresses in your life
  6. How supportive people at work are
  7. How supportive your family and friends are
  8. Whether or not you have property or possessions to divide
  9. How well you still communicate with each other
  10. Whether you tend to suffer from anxiety and/or depression (not just feeling down following a disappointment)

You can address many of these factors now which will help you to make the ending as manageable as possible. At the very least, being polite and civil can go a long way. However much you don't like each other right now, it’s too late for arguing.  Arguments will only lead to further hurt and more expensive legal bills. See my page on Divorce Advice.

If you have a tendency to suffer from depression then now’s the time to act, before it gets any worse and complicates your recovery.  I’m sure you’re feeling bad enough already, without the added strain of real depression.  

To help you with this, I recommend you take a look at one of the depression downloads from Hypnosis Downloads. They are experts in the treatment of depression.

I give myself permission to let go.

How to let go and move on

Join me in Part 2 for my top tips to help you get over a relationship and learn how to move on once and for all...

Part 1, Part 2


Go right ahead and comment (please keep it short)! I'll do my best to offer some words of comfort and advice.

If you need help and support, and would like a full answer to your question, then please...

Image courtesy of: Eric Tastad, BK