Get over him or her now
In Part 1 of this article we looked at some of the symptoms of unrequited love, and explored some of the reasons you might be wanting to learn how to get over someone.
Now that you understand why you might be feeling the way you are, take a look at my strategies to help you move on from that person, once and for all...
You may feel traumatised by how you were told, or found out, that you're no longer (or never were) wanted. That's a normal feeling under the circumstances.
10 effective ways to help you get over someone
- Ensure you sleep
well, but stay off the sleeping tablets. Sleep will return eventually, even if it takes a little while to come.
- Limit your drinking with self-hypnosis - too much alcohol makes a
huge demand on Vitamin B - vital for dealing with stress. If you happen to be that 1 person in 10 susceptible to developing a substance addiction, you'd only put yourself at greater risk and scupper your chances of getting over that person.
- Take plenty of exercise: aerobic exercise is great,
particularly outdoors. Fast walking for half an hour a day or at least
five times a week will do the trick. Particularly the feeling of being active in your recovery will help you to feel better about yourself.
- Calm your mind easily and effectively with a hypnosis
download. You won't believe how relaxed you can be and you will be far
more able to think clearly and stop those unwelcome thoughts going round and
- De-stress with soothing music (60 - 80 beats per
minute*) - similar to your heart-rate) or meditate
- Write 'never to be sent
letters' to get things off your chest (believe me - that works!) and/or keep a journal to help get stuff
out of your head. It will also help you to track your recovery.
- Speak to one of our online counsellors now (free for 7 days!) if you're suffering from depression or are completely unable to get on with normal day-to-day activities.
- Give yourself
permission and set a time to
indulge yourself in thoughts about the object of your affection. Take no more
than 20 minutes a day. Get on with the rest of your life, shelving any
thoughts about that person until the allotted time.
- If an important relationship has come
to an end, accept that you are grieving for the loss. It's as if someone has died and you may feel part of you has died. I know
it can feel as if your heart has been ripped out of your chest, but I so want
to reassure you: it will get better!
- Take some natural remedies to calm and soothe you (but remember to stay off the alcohol).
Choose any of these strategies above - the worst thing you can do is do nothing but sit and ruminate! Pick whatever speaks to you, and commit to it. I promise you, you will be able to get over that certain someone... but you will have to put in some effort to help yourself along the way.
You will get over someone - bit-by-bit. That desperate longing will fade. Some memories though will forever stay with you. They form part of your personal relationship history.
You'll get over someone - particularly when you understand how much you've given up
How are you still accommodating your ex?
Just for starters here are some probing questions to get you really thinking about the object of your (lost) desire. The following will help you to get a different perspective as well as discover for yourself how to let go:
- If you weren't spending your time obsessing about this person, how would you be spending your time?
- How are you going to spend the next 2, 5, 10, 20 years of your life?
- What opportunities are opening up for you without that person in your life? You're likely to have made some concessions to accommodate his or her needs and wants.
- What restrictions and limitations would you have been facing if you were sharing your life with that person?
- What hurt, stress and disappointments might you be having to deal with if you were with him or her?
- What stories would you want to be telling your children/grandchildren about your life in 20 years' time?
- If you could reclaim all the energy that you have been investing in obsessing about this person (if that's indeed what you've been doing), what would you be able to achieve with all that energy?
CLICK HERE for the worksheet of this letting go activity
There's more you need to know to repair your broken heart
Ready to start the rest of your life?
You've had an opportunity to think about the ways you could improve your life if indeed you were able to get over this person. Let's now get you on the right track to making a fresh start.
Choose one or two ways to help you get over someone you love, and really move on with your life.
6 Ways to help you get over someone you can no longer be with (or never had) and focus on the future
- Consider getting some counselling. There is nothing quite like being able to get it all of your chest and get some strategies to deal with it. A good counsellor should also know how to 'detraumatise' you.
- Consider going for couple counselling (if indeed you are in a relationship) to help you re-invest in that relationship (particularly if you've been having an affair).
- Think about ending your relationship, if you can't imagine investing in re-invigorating your marriage or long-term relationship. Visit my page: How to end a relationship (link further down) to learn how to do it with dignity and consideration for your and your partner's sake.
- Take on a project such as voluntary work, studies, a special project at work, DIY, gardening, etc, if you're not now in a relationship. Brainstorm some ideas.
- Reinvest in your friendships. Make a point of contacting people you haven't seen for a long time. Seek out people who are vibrant and positive. Stay away from those you drain your energy.
- Pay special attention to - and invest with your whole heart in - your role as an aunt, brother, granddaughter, son or whatever connects you to family; or connect to whatever you consider your family. Meeting your essential emotional need for a sense of community is one of the best ways to recover from anything. In particular it can really help you to get over someone you love!
Why is it so difficult to forget the object of your affection?
Prof Helen Fisher's research confirmed what I had always suspected from my work with couples and individuals. There had to be some explanation why a seemingly contented and happy partner or spouse would suddenly become besotted by someone else!
Often I did uncover some historic relationship stuff. However, that didn't account for what appeared to be a total personality change.
Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher knows all about it! She has discovered that there are three circuits in the brain that affect how we experience love and affection. One circuit is linked with attachment, one with romantic love and one with lust.
Want to learn more about shaking off those repetitive thoughts and your obsession with that person? Just watch the video below.
If you're short of time watch at least the first 10 minutes. Understanding how your brain works and how you may have got hooked will help you select the right strategies to refocus your attention on the rest of your life.
Can you ever forget someone completely?
I doubt you would ever really forget someone who has meant so much in your life.
That person may always have a special place in your heart - depending on the intensity and length of your relationship and the circumstances of its ending. The memory, however, will decrease in emotional intensity over time. That is... unless you keep torturing yourself!
Depending to some extent on your personality and the circumstances - there may be some lasting regrets.
If the memory is connected with a trauma, then please do yourself a favour and get some professional help. You so deserve to be able to let go of that and you really can!
Some extra help to get on with the rest of your life
If you have someone 'camping in your head' who doesn't have the same feelings for you, or you're suffering from a broken relationship, don't despair! Your life will eventually move on, even if you're having trouble imagining that possibility right now.
However, you may want it to happen a bit quicker, preferably yesterday ;-) I have therefore selected a couple of effective downloads that'll help you get your life back again as quickly as possible: 'Unrequited Love' and 'How to Get Over Someone'. You'll find them my page on Self-Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.
Finally - how to get over someone
I hope you've gathered by now that you can really get over someone much faster, if you take an active part in your recovery. I can't promise you you'll feel better overnight - regardless of what you're promised by other 'experts'.
Make a plan and track your recovery. You can do it - I'm rooting for you. :-)
Broken Heart Syndrome
How to Deal with Rejection
Getting over a Breakup and Forget
Symptoms of Clinical Depression
How to End a Relationship
Divorce Tips and Advice
"Music for Stress and Anxiety Reduction in Coronary Heart Disease Patients." Wiley. John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, 28 Dec. 2013. Web. 19 Apr. 2017.
Other helpful stuff
The neural mechanism of mate choice - a hypothesis
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