Get over him or her now
In Part 1 of this article we looked at some of the symptoms of unrequited love, and explored some of the reasons you might be wanting to learn how to get over someone.
Now that you understand why you might be feeling the way you are, take a look at my strategies to help you move on from that person, once and for all...
To connect with a qualified counsellor now, scroll down this page to the blue BETTERHELP information box
10 effective ways to help you get over someone
- Ensure you sleep
- Limit your drinking with self-hypnosis - too much alcohol makes a
huge demand on Vitamin B - vital for dealing with stress.
- Take plenty of exercise: aerobic exercise is great,
particularly outdoors. Fast walking for half an hour a day or at least
five times a week will do the trick.
- Calm your mind easily and effectively with a hypnosis
download. You won't believe how relaxed you can be and you will be far
more able to think clearly and stop those unwelcome thoughts going round and
- De-stress with soothing music (with about 80 beats per
minute - similar to your heart-rate) or meditate
- Write 'never to be sent
letters' to get things off your chest (believe me - that works!) and/or keep a journal to help get stuff
off your chest.
- If you're suffering from depression or are completely unable to get on with normal day-to-day events, I really hope you'll get some help. Speak to one of my online counsellors right now.
- Give yourself
permission and set a time to
indulge yourself in thoughts about the object of your affection. Take no more
than 20 minutes a day. Get on with the rest of your life, shelving any
thoughts about that person until the allotted time.
- If an important relationship has come
to an end, accept that you are grieving for the loss.
It's as if someone has died and you may feel part of you has died. I know
it can feel as if your heart is ripped out of your chest, but I so want
to reassure you: it will get better!
- Take some natural remedies to calm and sooth you.
Choose any of these - the worst thing you can do is do nothing but sit and ruminate!
How to really get over someone at last
Just for starters here are some probing questions to get you really thinking about the object of your desire. The following will help you to get a different perspective and learn how to let go:
- If you were not spending your time obsessing about this person, how would you be spending your time?
- How are you going to spend the next 2, 5, 10, 20 years of your life?
- What opportunities are opening up for you without that person in your life? You're likely to have made some concessions to accommodate his or her needs and wants.
- What restrictions and limitations would you have been facing if you were sharing your life with that person?
- What hurt, stress and disappointments might you be having to deal with if you were with him or her?
- What stories would you want to be telling your children/grandchildren about your life in 20 years' time?
- If you could reclaim all the energy that you have been investing in obsessing about this person (if that's indeed what you've been doing), what would you be able to achieve with all that energy?
Need help right now? Need to talk about it and get some decent advice? Speak to one of our counsellors
Ready to make a fresh start?
Now that you've thought about the ways you could improve your life if you were able to get over this person, let's get you on the right track to making a fresh start.
How to make a new start
- Consider getting some counselling. There is nothing quite like being able to get it all of your chest and get some strategies to deal with it. A good counsellor should also know how to 'detraumatise' you.
- Consider going for couple counselling (if indeed you are in a relationship) to help you re-invest in that relationship (particularly if you've been having an affair).
- If you can't imagine investing in re-invigorating your marriage or long-term relationship, consider ending it. Visit my page on How to end a relationship (link further down) to learn how to do it with dignity and consideration for your and your partner's sake.
- Take on a project such as voluntary work, studies, a special project at work, DIY, gardening, etc, if you are not now in a relationship. Brainstorm some ideas.
- Reinvest in your friendships. Make a point of contacting people you haven't seen for a long time.
- Pay special attention to - and invest with your whole heart in - your role as an aunt, brother, granddaughter, son or whatever connects you to family; or connect to whatever you consider your family.
Meeting your essential emotional need for a sense of community is one of the best ways to recover from anything. In particular it can really help you to get over someone you love!
Why is it so difficult to forget the object of your affection?
Prof Helen Fisher's research confirmed what I had always suspected from my work with couples and individuals. There had to be some explanation why a seemingly contented and happy partner or spouse would suddenly become besotted by someone else!
Often I did uncover some historic relationship stuff. However, that didn't account for what appeared to be a total personality change.
Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher knows all about it! She has discovered that there are three circuits in the brain that affect how we experience love and affection. One circuit is linked with attachment, one with romantic love and one with lust.
Want to learn more about shaking off those repetitive thoughts and your obsession with that person? Just watch the video below.
If you're short of time watch at least the first 10 minutes. Understanding how your brain works and how you may have got hooked will help you select the right strategies to refocus your attention on the rest of your life.
Can you ever forget someone completely?
I doubt you would ever really forget someone who has meant so much in your life.
That person may always have a special place in your heart - depending on the intensity and length of your relationship and the circumstances of its ending. The memory, however, will decrease in emotional intensity over time, unless you keep torturing yourself!
Depending to some extent on your personality and the circumstances - there may be some lasting regrets.
If the memory is connected with a trauma, then please do yourself a favour and get some professional help. You so deserve to be able to let go of that and you really can!
How to move on from him or her forever
If you have someone 'camping in your head' who doesn't have the same feelings for you, or you're suffering from a broken relationship, don't despair! Your life will eventually move on, even if you're having trouble imagining that possibility right now.
However, you may want it to happen a bit quicker, preferably yesterday ;-)
I have therefore selected a couple of effective downloads that'll help you get your life back again as quickly as possible: 'Unrequited Love' and 'How to Get Over Someone'. You'll find them my page on Self-Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.
Broken Heart Syndrome
How to Deal with Rejection
Getting over a Breakup and Forget
Symptoms of Clinical Depression
How to End a Relationship
Divorce Tips and Advice
Other helpful stuff
The neural mechanism of mate choice - a hypothesis
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It's me - Elly Prior, I'm the Founder and Author of this site. I'm a 'real' person! I'm hoping to make a positive difference, small or large, to every person who visits my site.
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