Ending a (long-term) relationship

There are very definite ways you should and should not end relationships. Ending a long-term relationship particularly is quite a skill and I have covered much about this on other pages too. But before we go on ...

Unsure whether to end it

If you are not sure whether you should end your relationship, there is no point in looking up now how to, take the end a relationship quiz first to help you think through the pros and cons. OR if you are desperate to sort things out between the two of you, then I recommend Save My Marriage/relationship.

I know you may not quite believe it, but you can really turn things around all by yourself with Lee Baucom's programme. I have often seen in my own practice how one of the partners could change the course of a relationship.

If you are here because your partner or spouse is likely to want to end your relationship or marriage, then make sure you are well prepared beforehand and visit my page: how to get your ex back.

Now, about endings ...

You are likely to experience all kinds of endings in a life-time: endings of couple relationships, the death of loved ones, your moving away from an area, endings when you change jobs, when friendships end for whatever reason, etc.

The first endings you are most likely to have encountered as a child is when a grandparent or pet died. However, you may also have experienced a family breakup if your parents separated. You may even have lost touch with one of them.

Your previous experience of ending a relationship - particularly a couple relationship - can become the template for those that follow. I hope for you that you won't need to go through that painful process too often.

Ending relationships is part of life. On this website my focus is mainly on intimate couple relationships. I have written several pages on the subject, so do read this page in conjunction with my other pages.

Now ... onto what you have really come for here. I am hoping to help you do the best possible endings, so stick with me for a while.

If your partner/spouse is breaking up with you - you need very different help. Please visit my pages:
Getting over a relationship, How to get over someone and How to deal with rejection

How NOT to end any relationship

You are going to have to pluck up a whole heap of courage - I know - to actually deliver the message to end a relationship.

However, before we come onto exactly how you should be ending relationships, here is how not to do it. It is a bad idea to:

deliver the bad news just before your partner is due to go out, go to work, pick up the children, etc causes a great deal of anxiety.

Any bad news - whatever it is - will cause a reaction. You need to pick a time, when you boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse has time to process the information. I know there is never a 'good' time for something as impactful as telling that you don't love her/him anymore. However, there is definitely a bad time.
end a relationship during a telephone conversation is no better either. Say, for example, you had already temporary separated, or you have a long-distance relationship. Now you have made up your mind. You want to end your long term relationship and decide to 'get it over with' on the phone.

This causes huge distress for your partner, and without a doubt she/she will be angry. You are going to find it hard not to 'loose it' and slam the phone down (if your partner is even still there). All this for sure will result in more trouble on top of what you are already dealing with.
leave a voice-mail with either a hint or a clear message about ending, creates no amount of anxiety for you partner/spouse. You have denied him/her the opportunity to talk about it there and then.

Now, you might think that is ideal if you are 'no good at talking about those kinds of things'. However, if it was 'only' a hint, you will have left a very anxious partner endlessly analysing about the meaning of the message. A clear message may have resulted in an immediate crisis, with potentially no-one available for support at that time. This is the wrong and a cowardice way of ending relationships.

Of course it is likely to lead to your being bombarded with phone messages from your partner, desperately trying to reassure themselves that all is well. Don't be tempted to leave a message with some half-baked explanation, when you are trying to end a relationship!
let someone else do the dirty job of ending a relationship This is equally disrespectful. This really is a task only you can do. I can understand that you might need some help with it. By all means run it by a trusted friend, but you need to do it yourself.
deliver the message in a public place. Ending a relationship in a public place should only be an option if you are worried about abuse.
tell friends, family members or colleagues you are ending a relationship before you tell your partner/girlfriend or boyfriend that it is over. It is very likely to result that she/he finds out before you have a chance to tell. I do hope that is not your 'strategy' in ending relationships!
say you want to end the relationship during a row - your boy/girlfriend may actually be surprisingly pleased! You may come to regret it. I have come across this scenario several times in my twenty years of practice as a couple counsellor. If you have an anger problem and are in the habit of 'loosing it', than do something about it. Start by visiting my page on anger management tips.
text/send an SMS that 'it is over' to someone you once thought the world of. It is a very disrespectful and unkind way to end relationships. I know that telling someone you want to end a relationship is really hard to do face-to-face, but is has to be done.
walk out of the door having just hinted for the first time that you are unhappy. This is going to leave your partner, girlfriend or boyfriend upset and confused. You are likely to get anxious text messages and it would be all too easy to convey the message by text that you want to split up and/or divorce.

What is the right thing to do?

All the 'how's of ending relationships have been covered on other pages. How to end a relationship, ending a long term relationships and how to end a long term relationship.

Tips for giving bad news

Even if your spouse/partner is expecting bad news, actually delivering it needs some preparation.

Do it gently step by step, rather than blurting it out first off
Talk a bit slower than you might normally
Take a few sentences building up to the purpose of the conversation
Leave short breaks for contemplation when necessary
Expect your partner to have difficulties processing what you are saying, when ending a relationship
Expect the unexpected - even from yourself.

It may be helpful to give a little notice, when ending a relationship - no more than a couple of hours, that there is something important you would like to discuss. At that point do not say or hint that the conversation is about the end of your relationship. If necessary, repeat gently but firmly that you are not prepared to discuss what the conversation is about right now.

Questions about hypnosis? See: Hypnosis online FAQ.

A few extra tips on ending relationships

Allow your partner sufficient breathing space if the ending has come as a shock. Don't start waffling on about something else or say lots of reassuring things you don't mean. Don't offer to stay friends either.
Do not expect to start to negotiate division of property/possessions in the first couple of months
Stay courteous and considerate at all times, when ending a relationship. This will help you to feel less guilty at least about the actual ending. Importantly too - it will help your (ex)partner to recover just that little quicker.

Top tips for ending relationships nicely

Ending a long term
relationship You could have a blazing row when you are ending relationships, but why would you? What is there to be gained?

You could mention all the things that you did not like about him/her. What would it achieve at the point of ending a relationship?

I know what would happen if your partner really does not want you to leave. He/she will probably see every complaint as an opportunity for an offer of change and all kinds of promises. It would make ending the relationship even more awkward.

So to summarise these points - whether you are ending a short or a long term relationship:

talk about your role in the relationship (see "how to end a relationship")
say how it has affected you - how you have run out of steam
avoid criticising your partner for what you perceive to be wrong with him/her
avoid giving your partner reasons to promise to change themselves
avoid giving him or her another chance if you know you really want a separation.

I know from my clients that the following reasons made it more difficult to move on after ending relationships:

not haven't been told why
not understanding why (actually this is not necessarily your responsibility if you got the previous point right)
not having been given sufficient opportunity to talk it over
sudden endings
sudden inexplicable changes in behaviour

Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4

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