When a (long) relationship ends

This page about ending long term relationships is part of a series of articles.

When and how to end a relationship is not something that is 'taught'.  How would you know, if it was not for someone like me - a professional relationship counsellor - explaining how to do it at least fairly, if not amicably.

Don't miss anything that could either help you to do better endings and/or help you to recover quicker.

Are you making the right decision?  Take this End relationship quiz.
The signs that your relationship is ending:  Warning signs of a break-up
What is stopping you:  Ending a (long term) relationship or marriage
What to do or say and what not:  Ending a relationship
Minimising heartbreak and conflict: How to end a long-term relationship.

Before you take any action though, be sure that you have had legal advice, if appropriate.  Particularly if you have been living together, you are likely to have joint assets.  If there is any chance that you get into difficulties about that, make sure that you are aware of both your legal rights.

Not quite ready to give up?  I recommend: Save Your Marriage/Relationship - you can turn things around with this program - even if your partner appears less than keen.

If your partner has just told you that 'it is over', then visit my page: How to get your ex back.  All may not be lost ...

Staying in touch?

Do you need to stay in touch with an ex when you are ending relationships? What are your own expectations of how long you would want to carry on seeing your ex-partner, wife or husband?  If you are hurting, and/or your marriage or relationship was full of conflict and perhaps even abuse, you may be having a hard time deciding what is best.

How long you need to stay in touch and the quality of contact depends on a number of factors.

It speaks for itself that if you have children that you need to be prepared to be parents together for the rest of your life (and incidentally - any future partners need to know that you come 'with a package').  If your children are still young, clearly there is likely to be regular contact to ensure that their needs are met.

Here are a few more factors that have a bearing on the length and quality of your contact after you have broken up:

• the length of your marriage/relationship - it can be difficult to let go and get over it
• the intensity of your relationship -  you can't be together and you can't be apart
• the geographical distance - if you have a 'long-distance' relationship - you may have already felt quite separate for some time
• how secure or insecure you each feel as individuals - how difficult is it for each of you to be independent
• how secure you felt in your relationship or marriage - if you feel generally insecure, you may find it difficult to let go however much the relationship was damaging for you
• how easy it is to divide your assets and whether or not it requires a lawyer
• the legal advice you have both received - sometimes the manner if which legal advice is conveyed is less than optimal!
• the state of your financial affairs
• how you negotiate the division of your possessions - delays, misunderstandings, avoidance, legal advice, promises not kept, etc all have a bearing
• whether or not either one of you is intent on point scoring - please don't
• whether or not one of you wants revenge (pointless!)

 I hope you will think them through really carefully.  A ‘good’ ending will help you both to recover and move on much better.

Do explore other related pages on this site too.  It takes only a little time and it can save you a lot of heartache in the long run.

Why staying in charge of your emotions is important

Of course it is very likely that you and/or your partner are going to be emotional at the end of a relationship.  It is expected though that you will experience a different mix of emotions.  Much of it depends on how your relationship ended.

However, I have some advice for you that may save you heartache and money.

• Don't say you are leaving in a fit of anger - the damage may be permanent without intention!
• Don't say it is over in the hope your partner/husband/wife will do what you want her/him to do.
  
• The moment you hurl accusations at someone, their ears close.  Don't be surprised if you feel that your partner/spouse does not seem to listen.  He/she may be unable to hear what you are saying, because of the way you are saying it.  See: Relationship communication.
• The more emotional we are as human beings the less likely we make sense or understand.  The more emotional we become the less intelligent we are at that moment.

Just remember that what you blurt out when you are distressed, obsessed, hurt and/or angry could cost you dearly during a divorce process.  You may just be adding to your lawyer/solicitor's bill.

If you have children, then your emotions will affect them too.

How will your children react?

If you are ending relationships when there are children involved, I have more information for you on other pages.

However, just for now, I am sure you are already aware that it matters not to your children if you are married or cohabiting.  It really does matter if and how you end your relationship or marriage.

A separation will without doubt hurt your children - but how much and for how long depends on you and your spouse/partner.  I know that deep down you did not expect me to say anything else.

Each of them (if you have more then one) will hurt in a different way - depending on their age, their relationship with you and your partner/spouse and your relationship history.

How you end your long term relationship - your and your partner/husband/wife's behaviour - is going to make a huge difference.  So, please do all you can to do a good ending, without adding to whatever conflict there may already be and exposing your kids to further damaging rows. Be sure to get the right legal advice with reference to your children.  Remember though, that unless there is violence/abuse - your children need you both.

You will find more information on my pages: Children in the middle and How does divorce affect children.

Finally - when ending relationships

By reading all of the pages in my series of articles on ending relationships you will hopefully have picked up some tips that you were not aware of before and that prove useful to you.

By really thinking through what my relationship advice for ending relationships and acting on it means for you, you will have increased your emotional intelligence - never a bad thing!  I hope that all goes as well for you as can be expected under the circumstances.

Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4

You may also be interested in:
End relationship quiz Couples arguing Marriage counseling Divorce advice and counselling

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Images courtesy of: 1 Ilker; 2 Clix; 3 Sigurd Decroos; 4 Marinka van Holten; 5 Simona Balint

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