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How to divorce: advice and tips
How to divorce

Divorce tip:
communication is all important

When you want to know how to divorce, advice isn't only needed for dealing with the legal aspects, it is also vital to help you mentally and emotionally survive the roller-coaster ride. I'm hoping to help you do just that with this series of articles on divorce.

My top divorce tips, or much rather: ‘professional divorce and relationship advice on how to divorce’ has come from years of experience as a marriage guidance/relationship (or couples) counsellor.

I have presented my tips in 4 steps with unmissable information on how to divorce as easily as possible. Each step is like a subject we might have discussed had you come to see me for counselling. Take from it what feels right for you during the various stages of your divorce.

You may also want to visit: Divorce advice for men and Divorce advice.

Be sure to also get the best legal divorce advice from your lawyer.

Step 1 – Knowing how to divorce: are you prepared?

You might already have chewed this over endlessly, with many sleeplessness nights. However, just in case ... I would not be doing my job in guiding you if I did not discuss this with you. I accept the risk of being considered patronising! So, here goes.

The following divorce advice is for you to consider, before you and/or your partner/spouse decide that your marriage has reached the end of the road.

Do be sure that you:

have read: get your ex back - if your partner has already left you
have used my relationship compatibility test
have tried marriage guidance counselling (not advised with domestic violence), or ...
tried Save The Marriage, even if your spouse appears to have lost all interest
have considered counselling for yourself - really: that is the best divorce advice I can give you!
have given careful consideration to how you will tell/prepare your wife/husband, if you haven't already
have read my page: How to break up and how to end a relationship - both have great divorce advice
have tried a temporary separation for quiet contemplation, re-evaluation and/or 'sorting yourself out'
have seriously reflected on your own role in the difficulties, rather than just blaming your wife/husband (see problem solving strategies)
have explored alternative accommodation, if still living at home (get legal advice first)
have considered all the financial implications of ending your marriage
have considered viable alternative solutions, including earning an extra income working from home
have considered the effect on your children - see my pages children in the middle and how does divorce affect children

Once you have done all that, I can help you with advice on how to divorce and what it entails for you and your family - other than the legal aspects.

See Part 2: Step 2: Divorce advice on how to deal with your emotions

Step 2 – Divorce advice on how to deal with your emotions

My top divorce tips (relationship advice) - whether or not you are the instigator - for knowing how to divorce are:

be sure to remain calm when talking with your spouse at all times – however difficult (there is nothing to be gained from further rows now) (Consider divorce counselling)
in addition stay calm when you speak to anyone who is fond of her/him
be sure to read the above mentioned pages on children and divorce - so that you can contain yourself when you feel pushed to the limit and want to badmouth your spouse in front of the children
help yourself to remain calm by working off that 'wound up' feeling with physical exercise: sport, aerobics, yoga, Tai Chi
try to prevent yourself taking flight by drinking too much alcohol (see stages of alcoholism) or by comfort eating, smoking, taking drugs or endlessly facing a computer or television screen
find a good divorce lawyer/solicitor/attorney
don't for a minute think that revenge is going to make you feel better!

Stay calm - a most important bit of divorce advice!

Rather than hiding under the duvet, I would really like you to stick your earphones in your ears and listen to some hypnosis downloads. You will feel tons better by allowing yourself to be soothed by one of these, rather than either crying yourself to sleep or laying awake for hours.

As well as some really good stress management downloads, there are some really good ones specifically for divorce. Here are some examples:

Overcome parental guilt , which I have chosen because I imagine that you may be worried about the effect divorce on your children.

If you have decided to go for separation/divorce, you will need all your energy to manage the whole process with its roller-coaster ride of emotions. Guilt is understandable and it can lead you to take the utmost care - it can be a motivator. However, beyond that, it can also stop you from doing the right thing, won't add anything useful and sap your energy. If guilt becomes to overpowering it won't benefit your children. So, why not give it a try.

Get over divorce - you may just feel that you won't ever get over all this. Some of my clients have felt completely traumatised by it all. Sometimes the endless conflicts that led up to the divorce have left them feeling battered and exhausted. I really want you to know that you will get over it. This download will speed up the healing, leaving you feeling calmer, wiser and more confident. What better divorce advice can I give you! ;-)

Questions about hypnosis? See: Hypnosis online FAQ.

Step 3 – Don't 'divorce’ everyone else!

Based on my experience with couples, I have some divorce tips and advice for dealing with friends and family. Too many people fail to see that life during divorce could be a great deal more manageable if they were to know how to divorce and keep their family and friends on both sides.

Before you tell them that you want/are going to separate or divorce, you may find the following points helpful - just in case you had not already considered it:

you might need their support and friendship
you are likely to have to continue seeing them (family gatherings, parties, etc.)
they may feel they need to choose between you and your spouse
many couples get back together again months or years later, enjoy seeing each other on the odd occasion or even become firm friends (I know - it may surprise you)
your children are likely to want to continue seeing them
your children will want to talk to you about them without fear that they are letting you down
anticipate and plan for every possible reaction from your children, your family, your spouse's family and everyone else - they may very well surprise and/or disappoint you

What do these divorce tips really tell you? Be careful what you say about your spouse to your friends and family (including his/her family), however difficult it is and however badly you perceive he/she is/has behaved!

Step 4 – Telling other people

One of my divorce tips is to tell friends and family you are most often in touch with sooner rather than later that you are thinking of/going to separate and/or divorce. At least that way you have some control over how they find out. Your wife/husband may want to tell her/his own family, but don't count on it.

Here are my tips for telling friends and family.

Call them to say you want to discuss something important. Calmly and kindly decline to say anything on the phone. Just say: “It is very personal and I would really like to tell you face-to-face."
Ask them when would be a good time to meet/visit them. You would want to know that it is convenient to prevent it becoming more stressful than it already is.
When you arrive and before you start, be sure that you have their attention - undisturbed - and that any children cannot overhear.
I would suggest a gentle lead-in: “I wonder if you have been aware of our difficulties..” Then something like: “I have now decided that ….” Or “(name) wants a divorce”. Stop yourself saying anything negative about your partner at all cost. It is best not to make any assumptions at this stage about who they are likely to support. Also, if at a later stage the two of you are getting back together (every divorce lawyer will tell you it happens!) you would not want your spouse's relationship with everyone compromised.
Expect a reaction (see step 3). Just acknowledge that reaction, whether or not you understand it or agree with it.
Don’t allow yourself to be led into a heated discussion. Say something like: “I know that this is difficult for you”. Or gently say: “of course you are upset/angry/disappointed/worried”

Lastly, family and friends who are on your 'Christmas list', but you seldom see also need to be told - ideally. Consider simply sending them a card announcing the end of your marriage or long-term relationship. That may well prevent embarrassment later down the line.

Give people time to adjust

Remember that the more emotional we are as human beings the more unpredictable our reactions. Actually, the more emotional we are, the more stupid we become!

One of my best divorce tips is to really leave time for others to calm down - whilst you there, after having delivered the message, and in the weeks to come. Friends and family need time to process what you have told them. You too need time - right now it would not be helpful to make a permanent decision about whether or not you want to see them again.

Fine-tune your relationship and lift your spirits!

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Natural depression treatments Natural sleep remedies How to deal with depression Relationship problems Getting over a relationship Relationship advice

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News on divorce:

4 Dec 2012 - Marilyn Stowe Blog: First gay divorce granted in Israel
7 Sept 2012 - Telegraph: Financial survival tips for the saddest summer break
27 August 2012 - Washington Times Communities: Changing your name after divorce

Images courtesy of: 1 Cecile Graat; 2 Armin Hanisch; 3 Stacie Andrea; 4 Dan Colcer