Divorce tips

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My top divorce tips, or much rather: ‘professional divorce and relationship advice’ has come from years of experience as a marriage guidance/relationship counsellor.

I have presented my tips in 4 steps with unmissable information.  Each step is like a subject we might have discussed had you come to see me for counselling.  Take what feels right to you during the various stages of your divorce.

I am aware that search engines get it wrong at times, so the first two steps include links to other pages that you may find helpful too.

You may also want to visit: divorce advice for men.

Step 1 – Are you prepared for divorce?

You might already have chewed this over endlessly, with many sleeplessness nights.  However, just in case ... I would not be doing my job in guiding you if I did not discuss this with you.  I accept the risk of being considered patronising!  So, here goes.

The following divorce tips are for you to consider, before you and/or your partner/spouse decide that your marriage has reached the end of the road.

Do be sure that you:

• have used my end of a relationship test
• have tried marriage guidance counselling (not advised with domestic violence), or ...
• tried Save My Marriage Today (be warned though, Lee Baucom, PhD does not like couple counsellors in general!)
• have considered counselling for yourself
  (see also: telephone counselling and online/email counselling
• have given careful consideration to how you will tell/prepare your wife/husband, if you haven't already
  
• have read my page: breaking up tips and how to end a relationship
• have tried a temporary separation for quiet contemplation, re-evaluation and/or 'sorting yourself out'
• have seriously reflected on your own role in the difficulties, rather than just blaming your wife/husband (see problem solving strategies)
• have explored alternative accommodation, if still living at home (get legal advice first)
• have considered all the financial implications of ending your marriage
• have considered viable alternative solutions, including earning an extra income working from home
  
• have considered the effect on your children - see my pages children in the middle and how does divorce affect children

Step 2 – dealing with your emotions

My top divorce tips (relationship advice) - whether or not you are the instigator - are:

• be sure to remain calm when talking with your spouse at all times – however difficult (there is nothing to be gained from further rows now) (Consider divorce counselling)
• in addition stay calm when you speak to anyone who is fond of her/him
• be sure to read the above mentioned pages on children and divorce - so that you can contain yourself when you feel pushed to the limit and want to badmouth your spouse in front of the children
• help yourself to remain calm by working off that 'wound up' feeling with physical exercise: sport, aerobics, yoga, Tai Chi
• try to prevent yourself taking flight by drinking too much alcohol (see stages of alcoholism) or by comfort eating, smoking, taking drugs or endlessly facing a computer or television screen
• find a good divorce lawyer/solicitor/attorney

Feel calm and in control again - my next divorce tips.

I have chosen two really smart hypnosis downloads - specifically for your situation.  You will feel tons better by simply laying on your bed, sticking your earphones in and just listening - nothing else.  How much better is that then laying there feeling sorry for yourself?

Overcome parental guilt, which I have chosen because I imagine/hope that you are worried about the effect divorce on your children.  If you have decided to go for separation/divorce, you will need all your energy to manage the whole process with its roller-coaster of emotions.  Guilt is understandable and it can lead you to take the utmost care - it can be a motivator.  However, beyond that, it can also stop you from doing the right thing, won't add anything useful and sap your energy.  If guilt becomes to overpowering it won't benefit your children. So, why not give it a try.

Get over divorce - you may just feel that you won't ever get over all this.  Some of my clients have felt completely traumatised by it all.  Sometimes the endless conflicts that led up to the divorce have left them feeling battered and exhausted.  I really want you to know that you will get over it.  This download will speed up the healing, leaving you feeling calmer, wiser and more confident.  What better divorce tip can I give you! ;-)

Step 3 – don't 'divorce’ everyone else!

Based on my experience with couples, I have some divorce tips and advice for dealing with friends and family.  Before you tell them that you want/are going to separate or divorce, you may find the following points helpful - just in case you had not already considered it:

• you might need their support and friendship
• you are likely to have to continue seeing them (family gatherings, parties, etc.)
• they may feel they need to choose between you and your spouse
• many couples get back together again months or years later, enjoy seeing each other on the odd occasion or even become firm friends (I know - it may surprise you)
• your children are likely to want to continue seeing them
• your children will want to talk to you about them without fear that they are letting you down
• anticipate and plan for every possible reaction from your children, your family, your spouse's family and everyone else - they may very well surprise and/or disappoint you

What do these divorce tips really tell you? Be careful what you say about your spouse to your friends and family (including his/her family), however difficult it is and however badly you perceive he/she is/has behaved!

Step 4 – telling other people

One of my divorce tips is to tell friends and family you are often in touch with sooner rather than later that you are thinking of/going to separate and/or divorce.  At least that way you have some control over how they find out.  Your wife/husband may want to tell her/his own family, but don't count on it.

Here are my tips for telling friends and family.

• Call them to say you want to discuss something important. Calmly and kindly decline to say anything on the phone.  Just say: “It is very personal and I would really like to tell you face-to-face."

• Ask them when would be a good time to meet/visit them. You would want to know that it is convenient to prevent it becoming more stressful than it already is.

• When you arrive and before you start, be sure that you have their attention - undisturbed - and that any children cannot overhear.

• I would suggest a gentle lead-in: “I wonder if you have been aware of our difficulties..” Then something like: “I have now decided that ….” Or “(name) wants a divorce”.  Stop yourself saying anything negative about your partner at all cost.  It is best not to make any assumptions at this stage about who they are likely to support.  Also, if at a later stage the two of you are getting back together (every divorce lawyer will tell you it happens!) you would not want your spouse's relationship with everyone compromised.

• Expect a reaction (see step 3).  Just acknowledge that reaction, whether or not you understand it or agree with it.

• Don’t allow yourself to be led into a heated discussion. Say something like: “I know that this is difficult for you”.  Or gently say: “of course you are upset/angry/disappointed/worried”

Give people time to adjust

Remember that the more emotional we are as human beings the more unpredictable our reactions.  Actually, the more emotional we are, the more stupid we become!

One of my best divorce tips is to really leave time for others to calm down - whilst you there, after having delivered the message, and in the weeks to come.  Friends and family need time to process what you have told them.  You too need time - right now it would not be helpful to make a permanent decision about whether or not you want to see them again.

Whatever stage in the divorce process you are at now - you can really benefit from relationship advice and support, whilst there are so many hurdles to deal with.  Contact me for face-to-face or telephone counselling.

You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
Natural depression treatments Natural sleep remedies How to deal with depression Help with ending a relationship Relationship problems Getting over a relationship

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Other helpful links:

Directgov - Getting a divorce
NIDirect - Divorce, relationship breakdown and family courts
Parentingcentre.com - Federal Divorce and Marriage
The Huffington Post - Is gay divorce any different than straight divorce?
Family Education - How do you know your marriage is over?
Office for National Statistics - Divorce in England and Wales 2009 (PDF)
Social Science Research Network - Mordernizing Divorce jurisdiction - Same Sex Couples and Minimum Contacts

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News on divorce:

November 2011 - The Williams Institute: Patters of relationship recognition by same-sex couples in the United States
31 Aug 2011 - Mail Online: Divorce, falling out of love and hiding financial assets

Images courtesy of: 1 Cecile Graat; 2 Armin Hanisch; 3 Stacie Andrea; 4 Dan Colcer

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