Divorce support for men

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

If you've taken the difficult decision to talk to your partner about divorce, I imagine you'll be feeling pretty low at the moment. But I'm so glad you've landed here, because I really hope my divorce support for men will help you figure out how you can restore the balance again.

(In case you've arrived here first, do make sure you read Parts 1 and 2 of this article first for advice on preparing to talk - and talking - to your partner about divorce.)

Remember - emotions cloud thinking

Man wrapping arms around himself

Remember that the more emotional someone is, the less likely it is that they're able to process what's happening. Your partner's unlikely to think or act rationally after receiving the bad news.

You too will be at risk of 'spitting out' stuff you later regret. You might not want to admit it, but my guess is that you're finding all this really tough.

Give it time and try not to react. In fact, to help you with this - have a look at the self-hypnosis page with FAQs and downloads and in particular: Stay Calm with THAT Person or How To Get Over Divorce.

I hope that my advice has helped you to understand how to end your marriage with dignity, when you want a separation or divorce. To make this advice a little more complete, I'd also like to help you find ways to make sure you can look after yourself too.

Are you feeling really low? Do have a look at the fact sheet about men and depression from the Royal College of Psychiatrists (you can find the link at the end of the page).

Are you really struggling, or do you feel that you don't want to ‘bother’ friends or family? In that case, you might want to consider getting some extra professional help and support. That way you can be sure how to end your relationship the best way you can, and you'll have someone to lean on a little bit.

What will you do in the meantime?

One of the most difficult aspects of the ending of a marriage is how you share your home. There may simply not be enough money for one of you (unfortunately often you) to move out.

If finance is a problem, you may end up with just a couple of choices: back to mum and/or dad, or staying with friends. The latter is always going to be short-term. The former maybe possible for a bit longer, depending on circumstances.

I would like to include a discussion on how sharing the home and/or moving out can be managed, but remember - you'll also need the advice of a lawyer/attorney.

Back to mum and dad's?

I know ... you dread the thought of either of the above 'solutions'.  You may not even have parents to call on for help. Even if you do, you're unlikely to relish the thought of exposing yourself to their scrutiny.

Perhaps you dread the thought of them discovering how hard you're finding life at the moment. You want them to see you as coping, strong and independent.

Even more disconcerting is that you find yourself back at the very place you launched from into independent adulthood. Most men I've counselled during this difficult time mention that as too much of an attack on their sense of pride.

Your parents, or indeed other family members and friends, may also want to have their say over what's happening and what you should do about it.

Man on the beach - arms wide open as if to welcome freedom or express turmoil

Could you create a 'man space'

Just watch this 5 minute video by author Sam Smith.  Maybe it'll inspire you to look for a different solution.

It'd also give you and your partner a little 'space' - an opportunity to calm down and re-evaluate your marriage. For some people that's enough to make them reconsider their decision to end their marriage. Sometimes, people realise what they stand to lose and they realise that's just not what they want.

The danger is of course, that you'll accuse me of sending you to the shed, whilst leaving your partner with the whole house - hardly the best divorce advice for men! I'll have entered the tricky debate on how fathers are treated by the divorce courts - this is not my intention at all.

There's nothing to stop you suggesting the reverse to your wife or partner - she or he may just relish the idea. You'll both have to come to some agreement on how the two of you are to share childcare and chores anyhow - whatever you do.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Related Articles

Depression in Men
Children in The Middle
What happens in Couple or Relationship Counselling
Before You Divorce
How You Communicate in Your Relationship
How to Get over An Affair

Other Helpful Links

CAFCASS - Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service
Parentingcenter.com - Federal Divorce and Marriage

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