Should you seek revenge because your partner wants a divorce?

Part 1, Part 2


Guest article by divorce lawyer Tara Yelman

divorce revenge - heart behind bars

In the midst of a divorce, feelings of sadness, pain, betrayal and jealousy can spark fantasies of divorce revenge.

You want to erase the shame that your spouse has caused you and make them hurt the way you have been made to hurt, and you want to serve that dish the way you see fit. But is seeking revenge the best way to solve your problems, or can it backfire and make your situation more unbearable?

When you have been shamed and suffered an unjust loss, it is understandable that you may want your spouse to "get what he/she deserves."

Whether your spouse had an affair, exploited you financially or simply hurt you by wanting to escape the marriage, the goal of becoming the predator and transforming from powerless to powerful is normal.


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Facing divorce? Revenge doesn't work!

A divorce often feels like a death; to overcome the devastation of a divorce and mourn the ending of the relationship in a healthy way, you must learn coping methods that will guide you to pursuing a healthy and plentiful life without your spouse.

At the end of the day the goal is happiness, and behaving in ways that benefit you will help you achieve that goal much more efficiently than finding ways to hurt your spouse.  Revenge cannot repair losses or compensate for betrayal.  It invokes feelings of anger, anxiety, distress and sadness.

Instead of taking steps to overcome those emotions that already exist in yourself, by seeking revenge you are solidifying and revisiting those feelings.

Revenge is a sign of weakness.  It is clear that the revenge-seeker has been hurt badly and that they are unable to cope, therefore resorting to meager elementary tactics.  You don't want to give your spouse the opportunity to thrive on your weakness and misery.

A better method of "getting even" is to camouflage your weaknesses and highlight your assets, therefore demonstrating that you are strong and able to live happily despite what they have done to hurt you.

Actions of revenge can also backfire when your spouse already feels guilt and regret.  They may end up feeling that their actions were justified after experiencing the revenge that you took.

Divorce - revenge targeted at your finances

When thinking about spousal revenge in a divorce, the keying of cars and seeking of affairs usually comes to mind. However, financial revenge and sabotage is a very real and very frightening way that spouses try to get even.

When divorce is in the air, a spouse might max out credit cards, empty a joint family bank account or refuse to pay alimony or child support.  Especially calculating and menacing spouses seeking revenge can do irreparable financial damage.

Read on to Part 2.

Part 1, Part 2

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