Divorce guidance for men

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

If you're absolutely sure that you want a divorce, I so hope my advice and divorce guidance for men on this page will help you to make the process as painless as possible.

In case you haven't read Part 1 of this article yet, do hop over there now to make sure you're really making the right decision.

How are you going to tell your partner?
- 10 tips to help you with this difficult step

This is the really difficult bit. It's also the bit that you need to do well in order to preserve everybody'’s dignity and self-esteem as much as possible. But don't worry - I'm going to help you. We'll take it step by step...

  1. Visit my page on Relationship Communication to learn more 
  2. Consider in advance who you might like to talk to afterwards for support
  3. Think about your timing: will you be disturbed, is your spouse expecting to go out? 
  4. Be sure that you won't be disturbed –- for example, can the children walk in?
  5. Accept that you partner may be very angry, feel guilt, sadness and/or intense despair 
  6. Resolve not to argue during the conversation
  7. Think through what you need to do to remain calm
  8. Try to prepare yourself for all possible scenarios
  9. Be prepared for a completely unexpected reaction!
  10. This really is not going to be the time for finger pointing and point scoring

There are some really helpful hypnosis downloads that can help you get through this difficult period in your life.

What precisely will you say to finish your marriage?
- 11 important things to consider

To prepare yourself, write down your thoughts on the following points. Then sleep on it for a few nights. This allows you time to become a little more comfortable with actually doing it. The calmer you can be, the better you will be able to handle the reaction.

  1. Tell your partner that the two of you need to sit down for a discussion. This will prepare her or him for something serious. Don't just start the conversation 'out of the blue'.
  2. Be prepared to listen and 'sit with' your partner's distress for a while
  3. Begin by asking how they are feeling right now - then– listen, and simply say you understand
  4. Gently suggest a realistic time limit if you anticipate an endless conversation
  5. Lead by saying she or he must have realised this is a different conversation
  6. State your reasons for ending gently - keep it short, no endless explanations
  7. Talk about your own role and your own contributions to the relationship
  8. Repeat your reasons if necessary, be clear without too much detail
  9. Allow time for things to sink in a little and for feelings to be expressed
  10. Do not start a row now, even if you - understandably - feel hurt and angry
  11. Stay calm at all costs, as well as remaining kind and determined

I'm afraid nothing you can say will make it better for your partner. The only thing he or she may want to hear is that you will 'try again'.

Does it all seem a bit much? Divorce counselling can really help with all of this stuff. A divorce coach or counsellor will let you get things off your chest, help you to move forward with doing the best ending you can.

You can now talk to a relationship/divorce expert online right from my site.

To what extent have you discussed finances?

This is a really tricky one. There's no doubt that your finances will take a battering.  Divorcing is expensive and a family living in two houses is always going to cost more.

Have you been able to approach this with your partner yet?  It'll be so much better if you can both come to an arrangement amicably. However, you may want to speak to a solicitor or financial adviser first.

Ask your partner what her or his expectations are. Stay calm - just hear them out and say something like:

... "I can see your reason for wanting it that way", or

... "I'm finding it hard to understand your reasoning and (not 'but') I will do my best to ensure that all is fair"  

... "You'll appreciate that I need a little time to sort it all"  

... "Can we discuss this again in a couple of weeks (or whatever time)"

... "Shall we discuss this again, when we're both a bit calmer?"

... "How would you feel if we discussed this with a mediator?"

It's in all of your interest to remain calm. None of the above statements mean that you agree! However, you taking the time to really listen to your partner will reassure them that at least you're taking notice of their needs.

What next?

I really do know how painful divorce can be, but I hope my Divorce Support Advice in Part 3 will help you to be able to look after yourself at this difficult time.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

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Elly Prior

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It's me - Elly Prior, I'm the Founder and Author of this site. I'm a 'real' person! I'm hoping to make a positive difference, small or large, to every person who visits my site.

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