Divorce advice and separation/divorce counselling

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Separation or divorce - avoid the worst

Divorce advice (UK or elsewhere) or separation counselling and good legal advice can really help you through a very turbulent and painful time.  You may feel that your husband/wife/partner is pulling all the strings, whilst you feel out of control and frightened.  (See also: Divorce advice for men)

It may seem that you are ’abandoned’ in some kind of ‘no-man’s land’ waiting for the next onslaught of bad news.

Life after a separation often resembles a roller coaster ride with all its foreseeable and unforeseeable ups and downs, twists and turns before the final Decree Nisi.

If there is any chance that you can still turn your marriage around, then do have a look at my page: How to get your ex back.

The ending of a relationship/marriage and divorce advice

Separation and/or divorce can be a lengthy process, during which it is most important to keep the channels of communication open.  The right divorce advice from appropriate professionals can save your sanity.

Communicating effectively when you are both emotional can seem at times impossible.  However, remaining at the very least polite and cooperative is vital if you have children.  You may be splitting up, but you are going to be parents the rest of your lives.

Different needs at home and in counselling

One of the partners may have been preparing to leave/end the marriage for some time (see Causes of divorce),  when a couple finally come to see a counsellor.  He/she often still ‘cares’, but probably only like a brother or sister.  The husband or wife feels as if the world around them has collapsed.

Both partner are on a different time-scale, and their needs, in counselling and at home, are very different (see also: Divorce tips).

The partner/husband/wife wanting to leave wants distance, afraid that any show sympathy may be seen as a sign of hope that separation or divorce can be averted.  The other desperately needs the comfort of a close attachment, asking questions, wanting answers, commitment, and reassurance.  The right kind of divorce advice - UK or elsewhere - is vital.

What happens in (separation) divorce advice and counselling?

A counsellor offering divorce counselling should be able to help you to:

• understand normal reactions to stress and loss
• explore the possible reasons for the break-up
• understand what might be going on for you and your partner now
• communicate effectively with your partner
• help you to explore sources of support
• advice you of appropriate services
• identify and access your own personal resources
• communicate with the most important people in your life
• advice you on how to support the children
• facilitate re-engagement with each other if there is a glimmer of hope
• re-engage with life and find new meaning if there isn't
• 'normalise' feelings, thoughts and behaviours during this time of crisis

Of course, I fully understand that you might not like the idea of counselling - it isn't for everyone.  Also, it can be quite expensive.  Instead you could try: Save Your Marriage Today.  The author, Lee Baucom PhD does not approve much of the likes of me (couple counsellors) though!

There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child." Frank A. Clark

How long it takes before you begin to feel better

Ideally you need to allow sufficient time, care and consideration to end your relationship/marriage well.

A 'good' ending will contribute to your more likely to make a success of a new relationship.  That new relationship stands a better chance of flourishing when bitterness, hurt, anger and pain have subsided and children have settled. Why rush?

With the right divorce advice there is every chance that you both (and your children) will recover sooner and better.

• USA - Divorce resources
• UK - Divorce resources

What about balancing home, children and work?

Invariably you are worse off after you have separated/divorced.  Your finances will have had a severe blow: living separately is more expensive, divorcing is expensive.  You may or may not have a decent income, and that is without us having discussed maintenance.

Getting good legal divorce advice (UK or elsewhere)

You will want to make sure that your solicitor/lawyer is experienced with divorce advice (UK or elsewhere).  From my perspective as a counsellor it makes all the difference when my clients can trust that their lawyer isn't going to cause more problems between the two of them.

Why not start the process and put your initial questions to a lawyer or solicitor right here?  Whilst they cannot advice, they can provide you with vital information that may help prevent your making mistakes early on and causing more issues than you are already dealing with.

You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
Ending a long term relationship Children in the middle How to find a divorce lawyer Getting over a relationship Divorce tips

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Other helpful links:

The Huffington Post - Is gay divorce any different than straight divorce?

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News about divorce:

19 January 2012 - The Telegraph: 11% Rise in divorcing couples sharing pensions
28 Oct 2011 - The Telegraph: Britain is divorce destination of the rich and powerful
31 August 2011 - Guardian.co.uk: Extramarital affairs no longer main reason for divorce in the UK

Images courtesy of: 1 Michael Kaufman; 2 C Glass

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