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Divorce advice for men

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Divorcing - men I am writing divorce advice for men specifically. If you, like many men do, find it difficult to know how to handle all the 'drama' and the emotions that come with the ending of your marriage, I hope to be able to help you along a bit.

On this particular page I am going to assume that you are the one wanting to end your marriage. However, if your wife has told you that she wants a divorce, then hop over to my page on how to find a lawyer if there really is no way back, or ... fight for your marriage and start with How to get your ex back.

Be sure to also get some immediate help from Download Hypnosis: 'Get over divorce' to help you feel more positive about the future. I think of online self hypnosis as one of the most effective and cost-effective, as well as user-friendly and utterly sensible ways to help yourself.

How well prepared are you?

Knowing how to actually end your marriage is really hard to figure out - rightly so, I think. I have anticipated some of the questions you might have asked my advice on if you had come to see me for counselling.

I am guessing that you are probably already having a hard time and are dreading the road ahead. Ending a marriage or partnership is a painful step to take and it is likely to matter little how long you have actually been together.

How to tell your wife or partner you want a divorce is a little more manageable if you come prepared. Stick with me and I will talk you through how you can deliver the bad news in the best possible way under the circumstances.

Questions about hypnosis? See: Hypnosis online FAQ.

How sure are you?

Men - divorce First of all you need of course to be absolutely sure, before uttering the word divorce. I know it sound obvious - but you know ... in the heat of the moment ...

If you have any doubt at all, I would suggest that you consider relationship counselling/marriage guidance counselling or you use this Stay or Walk Away questionnaire. Particularly if you have children you will want to know that you have done all you possibly can to save the marriage.

More often a wife will contact me to ask for counselling. Men are more likely to come as a very last resort (not always though).

However, a well-trained and experienced couple counsellor will know how to help you personally, and your marriage, even if your partner won’t come with you for counselling.

Does your wife anticipate a divorce?

Your wife may well be aware that there is trouble on the horizon. However, she may not suspect that you actually want to end the marriage! Your 'request' for divorce may come as a complete surprise despite the difficulties. So, be prepared for a shock!

It is a cliche to say that men 'don't do feelings' very well. However, I think that divorce advice for men (in fact for women just as much) should include some guidance on dealing with the emotional roller-coaster.

Divorce advice for men about remaining ‘friends’

I suspect you might have considered softening the blow by saying that you want to remain friends. My best divorce advice for men is not to suggest you stay friends - that won't work at all.

You are both on different time scales - you had time to consider it all. Your wife may need many months to recover.

Couples do sometimes become friends again, but this usually takes up to a couple of years - if not longer - after the ending of a long-term relationship. You both need to be able to move on first. Only much later you may discover that you are developing a sort of friendship – perhaps even despite yourself!

How much do you need to see of each other?

Divorce advice The complications and therefore the speed of the divorce will determine the frequency and length of your contact, if you don't have children. The division of property can complicate the ending.

If you do have children, then clearly you will remain parents for the rest of your lives - I cannot exclude this from my divorce advice.

For men this is even more important, as so often it is much harder for them to maintain contact with their children.

See my page: How does divorce affect children for further information.

Contact will to some extend be dictated by factors such as:

the age of your children
the quality of your relationship with them
the quality of your relationship with your wife
the level of conflict between the two of you
both your ability to 'park' your needs for the sake of the children
life stages of all the family
family events

The quality of the contact with your children will be significantly impacted by how you both react to events. So do try to do a dignified, considerate ending. Ending a long term relationship is a process. Allow time to do it properly.

How are you going to tell your wife/partner?

This is the really difficult bit and the bit that you need to do well to preserve everybody’s dignity and self-esteem as much as possible. So, I am going to help you. Take it step-by-step and think it through carefully.

Visit my page on relationship communication to learn more
Consider in advance who you might like to talk to after for support
Think about your timing: can you be disturbed, is your spouse expecting to go out?
Be sure that you won't be disturbed – can the children walk in f.i.?
Accept that you partner may be very anger, feel guilt, sadness and/or intense despair
Resolve not to argue during the conversation
Think through what you need to do to remain calm
Try to prepare yourself for all possible scenarios
Be prepared for a completely unexpected reaction!
This is not going to be the time for finger pointing and point scoring

What precisely will you say to finish your marriage?

To prepare yourself, write down your thoughts on the following points. Then sleep on it for a few nights. This allows you time to become a little more comfortable with actually doing it. The calmer you can be, the better you will be able to handle the reaction.

Tell your wife/husband that the two of you need to sit down for a discussion. This will prepare her for something serious. Don't just start the conversation 'out of the blue'.
Be prepared to listen and 'sit with' your partner's distress for a while
Begin by asking how he/she is feeling right now – listen and simply say you understand
Gently suggest a realistic time limit if you anticipate an endless conversation
Lead by saying he/she must have realised this is a different conversation
State your reasons for ending gently - keep it short, no endless explanations
Talk about your own role and your own contributions to the relationship
Repeat your reasons if necessary, be clear without too much detail
Allow time for things to sink in a little and for feelings to be expressed
Do not start a row now, even if you, understandably, feel hurt and angry
Stay calm at all cost, as well as kind and determined

Nothing you can say will make it better for your partner. The only thing he/she may want to hear is that you will 'try again'. Does it all seem a bit much? Divorce coaching or counselling can really help with all of this stuff. A Divorce coach or counsellor will let you get things off your chest and help you move forward.

To what extend have you discussed finances?

This is a really tricky one. There is no doubt that your finances will take a battering. divorcing is expensive and a family living in two houses is always going to cost more.

Divorce - men Have you been able to approach this with your wife yet? It will be so much better if you can both come to some arrangement amicably. However, you may want to speak to a solicitor or financial adviser first.

Ask your wife what her expectations are. Stay calm - just hear her out and say something like: "I can see your reason for wanting it that way", or "I am finding it hard to understand your reasoning and (not "but") I will do my best to ensure that all is fair." "You will appreciate that I need a little time to sort it all." "Can we discuss this again in a couple of weeks (or whatever time)". "Shall we discuss this again, when we are both a bit calmer?" " How would you feel if we discussed this with a mediator?"

It is in all of your interest to remain calm. None of the above statements mean that you agree! However your taking the time to really listen to her, will reassure your wife that at least you are taking notice of her needs.

Remember - emotions cloud thinking

Remember that the more emotional someone is, the less likely it is they are able to process what is happening. Your partner/wife is unlikely to think or act rationally after receiving the bad news. You too will be at risk of 'spitting out' stuff you later regret. Give it time, try not to react. Click here to find the self hypnosis online download 'Stay calm with THAT person' to help you do just that.

I hope that you now understand how to end your marriage with dignity, when you want a separation or divorce. However, advice for men has to include information on how to look after themselves too.

Have a look at the fact sheet about men and depression from the RCP (link at the bottom of the page).

If you are really struggling or just feel you don’t want to ‘bother’ friends or family you may want to consider getting some extra help and support, so that you are sure how to end a relationship the best you can.

What will you do in the meantime?

One of the most difficult aspects of the ending of a marriage is how you share your home. There may simply not be enough money for one of you - unfortunately often you - to move out.

If finance is a problem, you may end up with just a couple of choices - back to mum and/or dad, or staying with friends. The latter is always going to be short-term. The former maybe possible for a bit longer, depending on circumstances. Divorce advice for men would always include a discussion on how sharing the home or moving out can be managed. It also requires the advice of a solicitor.

Back to mum and dad's?

I know ... you dread the thought of either of the above 'solutions'. You may not even have parents to call on for help. Even if you did, you are unlikely to relish the thought of exposing yourself to their scrutiny. Perhaps you dread the thought of their finding out how hard you are finding life at the moment. You want them to see you as coping, strong and independent.

Even more disconcerting is that you find yourself back at the very place you launched from into independent adulthood. Most men I was counselled during this difficult time mention that as too much of an attack on their sense of pride.

Your parents, or indeed other family members and friends, may also want to have their say over what is happening and what you should do about it.

Could you create a 'man space'

Just watch this 5 minute video by author Sam Smith. Maybe it will inspire you to look for a different solution.

It would also give you and your wife a little 'space' - an opportunity to calm down and re-evaluate your marriage. For some people that is enough to reconsider their decision to end their marriage, realising what they stand to loose.

The danger is of course, that you'll accuse me of sending you to the shed, whilst leaving your wife/partner with the whole house - hardly the best divorce advice for men. I will have entered the tricky debate on how fathers are treated by the divorce courts - not my intention.

There is nothing against your suggesting the reverse to her - she may just relish the idea. You will both have to come to some agreement on how the two of you are to share childcare and chores anyhow - whatever you do.

Fine-tune your relationship and lift your spirits!

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