Depression, anxiety and panic attacks

by Ryan

I am 30 yrs old and my name is Ryan. I work in public safety and is known as a highly sought over position. My parents moved years ago 4 hours away. I was raised by my grandparents and my mom which lived at her own house. My real dad was never in my life. I have always been a perfectionist and loved to be better then everyone else, using my parents money to look good and be on top of everything. I felt I loved life, until now.

It started on Christmas day when I woke up dizzy as I have ever been and I was really scared. I spent hours trying to stand up or even move and everytime I did I had this severe dizziness. I had the ambulance take me to the hospital and I know that I was not dizzy at all the whole time since they picked me up. Rather I felt Like weird, tingly in areas, and just a feeling like I was drugged with something .

The doctor offered me vertigo pills, but I would not take them. I'm afraid of anything that might make me feel different, reason I don't even drink. I was released with the diagnosis of a panic attack.

I then suffered from extreme panic,scary thoughts and the thought that I must be losing my mind for over a year. I managed to lose minimal amount of work and somehow climbed out of those feelings. Now, 2 years later, I suffer with this feeling of unreality or disonnection. I dwell on the feeling. I seem to snap out of it every once in a while, but I always know it's going to come back.

I have cried over my situation, and really just miss really enjoying things like I used to. I have trouble feeling confident and knowing who I am.

I know I was having a lot of stress at work due to something happening and changing how my work was run. This caused me a lot of stress and turmoil. I did not understand why something I loved so much was being changed and I also got punished for something I didn't do. Now that I look back I remember getting a few dizzy spells at work and just after.

I also remember having this back pain that threw my neck out all the time, which seemed to happen a lot. I couldn't get rid of it.

The only other thing on my mind at that time was the need to go see my parents for Christmas and wanting my girlfriend to go with me. She could not go and I felt she did not want to and that bothered me. I lied to my mom and said I might have to work then left it unknown if I was coming, which also bothered me.

Not sure what else to say but I find myself not happy and not myself most of the time. What do I do?