Dealing with infidelity

Infidelity in marriage or relationship

When you are dealing with infidelity you very likely feel hurt, angry, and if you had the affair probably guilty. 

I want to reassure you that iit is possible for your relationship/marriage to recover once the initial wave of these strong feelings has began to subside.  I promise you - they will subside and you will feel better, but give yourself some time. 

If you are both able to face up what has happened, there is every possiblity that you can create a better, if different, relationship than before.  However, you need to be patient.  It will take time.  You will be grieving for the loss of your relationship - as it was before the affair.

Be aware too that, however difficult it is for the ‘wronged’ partner and however much you may not want to be sympathetic, the one who had the affair may feel bereft for the loss of the other person.  

How to deal with infidelity

To recover, be prepared to:

• seek help after the affair
• stop blaming each other, it stops sorting things out
• confront the problems in your relationship
• confront yourself, take responsibility
• challenge your behaviour, wronged or not
• read my anger management tips
• reaffirm the positive
• set time aside to talk
• set a reasonable time limit on the conversation about the affair for that day
• read my relationship communication advice
• accept it may take months to recover

Men and women usually deal with infidelity differently

Women are more likely to want to talk about feelings, and know all the details.

Men more often want to leave it behind and concentrate on the future, which could mean either not talking about it or a divorce.

Infidelity destroys all trust

Both of you will have difficulties with trust. The wronged party is likely to feel the need to check up constantly. The adulterer is likely not to trust that he/she will ever be forgiven.  In addition, since he/she has been dishonest, the adulterer is more likely to suspect their partner of having an affair/being dishonest. 

Indeed, ’not trusting’ could be considered a good strategy for the wronged party.  Also some people are intent on getting revenge, so the wronged partner may at some point in the future feel they are 'entitled' to have an affair and be forgiven for their infidelity.  I would so warn against that strategy - it really won't solve anything.

An affair destroys all trust and it can take a long time to rebuild trust - months, perhaps even years.  Nevertheless it may be possible, in the meantime, to rebuild a loving relationship and a rewarding marriage.

How do you start healing infidelity?

If you are the ’wronged’ partner your husband/wife will need to give you lots of reassurance.  Sharing attention, talking, getting to know each other again, outings, changing routines, etc. can do much to help the marriage to survive the infidelity.

Tackling longstanding problems head on now must also be on the agenda. Do whatever you can to deal with any underlying problems.

Ultimately you need to accept your fallibility as a human being.  There is never a 100% guarantee about anything in human relationships.  You are responsible for how you deal with your own insecurities. This is not to excuse an affair - there is none - it is a reality check.

Healing from infidelity

During the initial crisis after finding out about the affair, give yourself at least a couple of weeks, without expecting too much of yourself.  ‘Coping with not coping’ is the only realistic expectation. 

Try and manage only essential and familiar activities and responsibilities - such as doing your job or seeing to the children.  This will start the healing process.

That terrible raw feeling will fade gradually. You won’t be out of the woods for a while, but that sense of having been traumatised passes usually within a few weeks.

If you it difficult to function you may want to consider some telephone counselling. Having some extra support and an independent person to run things by can help you to cope much better.  Calling someone and arranging an appointment by itself will help you feel a little more in control.

Is the affair finished?

How you deal with infidelity depends without a doubt on whether the affair has finished!  Not being sure if the affair has ended (affiliate e-book) is a rotten place to be in for the wronged party.  Being confident that your husband/wife is no longer in touch with the other person, will help your recovery enormously.

However, be aware that checking up on your partner does not solve the problems between the two of you, when you are dealing with infidelity.  Neither will it cure your pre-existing insecurities - you may want to get some personal help with those to overcome your problems.

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