Dealing with infidelity or extra- marital affair

If you are dealing with infidelity or extramarital affair, you could have landed on this page for three reasons (excluding professional interest):

1. your husband/wife/partner is having/has had an (extra marital) affair and you need help and support.  You will want to visit the following pages (if you haven't already): Surviving infidelity and How to deal with infidelity.

2. you are looking for help because you are having an affair.  Maybe you can't quite belief that you are doing it.  Perhaps you would never have thought you ever would and/or wonder what 'caused' you to become the 'other woman' or 'other man'.

3. you have been having an affair - thought it was just a bit of fun, but now you have found yourself knee-deep in trouble and you don't know what to do.

You either never thought you would do 'something like this' or you are trying to find out how you can begin to get yourself out of trouble.  You are aware, or beginning to become aware, of how you are/have been putting your or your lover's marriage/relationship in jeopardy.  Don't miss the video further down.

If you are considering whether or not to end your relationship/marriage, then be sure to consider all the pros and cons by taking this end relationship quiz.  If you suspect that your partner or spouse is going to leave you, you will want to visit my page on how to get your ex back, so that you know what to do should you be confronted with that situation.

Counselling couples after an extramarital affair

As a couple counsellor of 23+ years experience, I am talking with you about what may be involved.  It is not my place to judge.  I am hoping to help you think through what you need to be saying and doing, and how you can recover - on your own or as a couple.

I have written about what I have learned from working with hundreds of couples dealing with the drama following the disclosure or discovery of a marital affair (the word I would use is extramarital affair, but I am aware that people may search for 'marital affair').

However, you will find that my first consideration is for the primary relationship - the existing committed relationship or marriage.

If you are now desperate to sort out your marriage/relationship, I suggest you opt straight for Save your marriage/relationship today.  It is a super program and gives you the best possible chance to save your relationship - even if your partner/spouse seems to have given up.  The author, Lee Baucom PhD does not like couple counsellors, so you won't have to worry about his suggesting you should be seeing one if that is not what you want.

'Causes' of infidelity

Why do people – men and women - have affairs?  Well, as a couple counsellor, I have heard a whole host of 'causes' of or 'reasons' for infidelity.  I have listed the main ones I have come across in my practice.

Keep in mind though that it won't help the situation at home if you attempt to use these as an excuse.

You, like many others, may have ‘found’ yourself dealing with infidelity for one or a number of the following:

• someone paid you attention - you badly needed it, or at least you thought you did, and it made you feel fantastic

• for no ‘apparent’ reason you feel/felt hopelessly attracted to someone and you cannot put that person out of your mind - he/she is 'the love of your life'

• your spouse/partner has had an affair and now you are out for adventure as revenge –  almost anyone will do - you would love to be dealing with infidelity

• your marriage/relationship is dead, both you and your partner know it and you feel that the affair is giving you something, you would otherwise not have had.  Of course, there are plenty people who would claim their marriage is dead, without their spouse knowing about it!

• you have not been in a committed relationship to know how precious it can be and therefore have not given the other partner or spouse any thought at all.

• you feel this is your chance of a ‘bit of happiness’ – for whatever reason.  Your happiness is very likely to be short-lived - for you an affair is not the answer.  Avoidance of dealing with what really makes you unhappy is going to prolong the agony long-term.

• you are young and feel privileged to be the 'chosen one' of someone older and/or in a position of power.  You may not realise the total devastation your dealing with infidelity may cause
  

• you feel the 'chosen one' of someone in a position of power – the affair appears to do wonders for your low-self esteem and/or lack of confidence

• your husband/wife/partner suffers from a long-term illness, taking up all your attention, time and other resources.  There is no space for you and this affair is meeting your needs - emotional and/or physical

• you have a long-distance relationship, you are missing having someone close and you want some fun; you would consider dealing with infidelity as fun.

• you don't care about your relationship or your lover's primary relationship – you are having/had an affair out of bravado and contempt and for any perceived ‘kudos’ - adultery is the name of the game

• you have a greater need for a phys relationship and your wife/husband/partner has never been that interested, has lost interest or just can’t ‘provide’ for whatever reason

• you are feeling invincible and see no problem in doing just what you like.  You have a list of reasons as to why you are entitled to have an affair, but you are beginning to have niggles about it

• you are in touch again with an old flame and despite being married/in a relationship, you feel driven to be close to this person

• you had absolutely no idea that your ‘lover’ was/is already married/in a relationship.  This is a really painful one, if you truly did not know.  You were lied to and now you are having to cope with the shock of that discovery and, quite likely, the end of that relationship.

Whatever your reason for being unfaithful, the above are only factors that may have led up to your having a marital affair.  They are not excuses - you made choices.  If you are dealing with infidelity or a extramarital affair, it will end in tears for at least one of the parties - if it hasn’t already.

The brain in love

Watch this 1.5 min video clip to learn what happens in the brain with regards to lust, romantic love and attachment.  This video is particularly interesting when you are dealing with infidelity.

You may also be interested in:
Infidelity warning signs The biggest causes of stress Ending a longterm relationship How to get over someone Getting over a relationship

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Images courtesy of: 1 Ulrika Bengtsson; 2 Claudia Veja; 3 Billy Alexander; 4 Bethany Carlson

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