How to deal with infidelity

This page is part of a series of articles on how to deal with infidelity.  So, if the search engine has landed you on this one, do also visit dealing with infidelity page 1.

If you are having an affair, you may not necessarily be caught cheating now.  However, the skeleton could potentially roll out of the cupboard at any time - if it hasn't already.  Needless to say - there is never a good time!

If you and/or your husband/wife/partner have been having relationship problems, identifying the issues in your relationship or marriage, facing up to them and if necessary asking for help in dealing with them is a much better plan for long term gain.

However, there is just a chance that you have indeed met your soul-mate (see further down), in which case I would still advice you to read the next session about the potential fall-out of your cheating.

The potential dangers of a marital affair (extramarital affair).

I have listed some potential problems with having an affair.  You need to take the following issues into consideration if you want to know how to deal with infidelity.

• Having an affair is never going to truly meet your essential emotional needs long-term.

• Your lover is probably not going to leave his/her partner/spouse, particularly if he/she has children.  It does happen, but all-to-often the waiting is all in vain.

• If he/she is willing to have an extramarital affair with you, he/she may well be willing to have an affair with someone else later down the line.  What is that going to do for your sense of security, if this relationship became more permanent?

• How would you feel and respond if you were challenged by an angry/hurt wife, husband or partner?  And what if he/she reported your cheating at your place of work (it certainly has happened in the organisation I work for!)
  

• Your emotional and mental well-being is to a large degree dependent on the health of the relationships with people you feel closest to.  How would your family and/or friends respond?  How important is that to you?

• Are you dealing with infidelity at work?  How would it affect your job/promotion prospects and your relationship with your colleagues if your infidelity was discovered?  What if the relationship goes sour?  Could you still work in that place/department/position?
  

• What if you/the other woman fell pregnant?  Can you truly be sure that is not going to happen?

• If you are normally considerate of other people's feelings, you may end up feeling unbearably guilty for a long time about all the pain caused.  The sense of betrayal is huge with infidelity.  People will tell me that it causes an almost physical pain for the wronged partner.

• What is the effect of the lies and dishonesty doing to your self-esteem, your sense of 'self', your belief in who you are and what you stand for?  I know that your lover may have hugely improved your self-confidence.  However, that feeling is likely to be short-term.  What about what you truly feel on the inside?

When you are drawn into an affair, it is unlikely you want to be confronted with any of these uncomfortable facts.  However, I am hopeful that, since you are looking for information, this will help you to think about your next step and be considerate of other people.

What if it is really 'serious'?

There is of course a chance that you have met the love of your life, despite your being married/in a relationship.  However, unless you really understand and face up to what the likely impact of your infidelity is, it is very likely to all go horribly wrong.

If you are both really serious about this relationship, then you need to invest time and energy in doing a 'good' ending of an existing relationship.  Your present, primary relationship/marriage needs all your attention in bringing it to an end.  That is going to take months!

Want to start improving your relationship or marriage now?  Then I recommend: Save my Marriage/Relationship.  Lee Baucom, PhD - the author of this book - would rather you not attend counselling with a badly trained couples counsellor (trained for individual counselling, but too poorly trained to do relationship counselling), so you would do well with his book. (Thank goodness I trained with the UK's most trusted couple counselling agency RELATE and I have over 23 years experience!)

Alternatively take my end of a relationship test if you are unsure whether to stay or go.  You'll find out if and when you should be thinking about ending your marriage/relationship.

Are there children involved in your affair?

Complication increase when you are dealing with infidelity and either one of you is a parent (or indeed you are both parents).

Here are some of the issues you need to consider, before you decide on whether or not to pursue this affair.  The following will have an impact on you:

• Your and/or your lover’s children may find out.  How would you explain what has been happening - without blaming their mum or dad, because you decided to have an affair?

• If your lover has children from more than one marriage/relationship.  Have you considered the potential impact of other parent’s wishes/demands/involvement/judgment on your ‘new’ relationship?  This may or may not be important to you, but depending on the make-up of your family it can be a very big factor in your continuing relationship with those children

• It is very likely that your spouse won't want the children introduced to your new partner for a long time.  So, if you are anticipating a future with this man/woman, your children may not be allowed to spend time with the two of you.  This is particularly important if your marriage/relationship has really come to an end and you are keen to 'move on'.

  In my experience I have found that people often want to move on too quickly.  Their children's needs in particular are often ignored,  with a parent all too keen to introduce the children to their 'new' partner. Please make sure that you take the needs of your children into account.  They will need time to adjust.  They will feel terribly torn, when their mother or father is so very distressed about the betrayal.

  

• The ending of the primary relationship – if it comes to that - will be very complicated with regards to the children at the very least

• Older children will make a judgment and you may find it very hard to recover their trust, love and respect.  Can you imagine what it would be like telling teenage children about your infidelity?

• Adult children's reactions too can have quite an impact!  You may argue that it has nothing to do with them - they are adults and this is your life.  However, your life is forever connected to them - their hurt and anger can have a real impact on how you feel.

• You may end up feeling hugely guilty about all the pain caused.
  
  

You may also be interested in:
End relationship quiz Children in the middle How does divorce affect children How to end a long term relationship Divorce advice for men

---

Other helpful links:

Review of the research findings of infidelity in committed relationships

Images courtesy of: 1 Bill Ault; 2 Hilde Vanstraelen; 3 Agata Urbaniak; 4 S Brumley; 5Alex Bruda; 6 Sanja Gjenero

---