Dealing with depression. Loss of drive, joy and motivation

by Anonymous

I feel sad for the opportunities I've missed and the way I've lived my life. Here is my story about how I have come to feel so low, lacking any motivation and drive.

It's been a hectic year... make that couple of years.

I split up with my husband and until then love of my life 3 years ago, shortly after I had to move away for work. We'd been having our problems and truth be told I wasn't really happy but I would never have ended it. He did, and although I now feel grateful, I'm still working with issues of rejection and betrayal.

The year before that I was diagnosed with APS which was a bit hard to swallow as I'd been a healthy 30-year old until then.

I move back to my hometown, it takes me almost a year to feel better, sort out my home which I used to share with my ex-husband, find a new hobby etc. Feel hopeful about the future again..

Then last year I start a relationship with a colleague. He was really enthusiastic, I fell in love, he started talking about a family, I told him about my APS.. He had issues though with me being divorced, with my romantic past, my lifestyle. I thought these were all things we could work out. After all, he wasn't perfect either.

I found out I was pregnant shortly after I told him that my sister, who has suffered a number of strokes in her early twenties and has mobility issues because of them, was thought of suffering from Moya-Moya.
He lost it, wanted to drag my whole family to genetics centres, accused me of hiding the truth from him to serve my own purposes, said he had lost all his trust in me.
I was devastated.
I was pregnant, something my ex husband and I had been trying for a while and hadn't happened, so I should be elated, but instead I was feeling alone, scared and angry.
I went to all the doctors I could, they were reassuring, he continued to be verbally abusive and aggressive, called me and my family all names under the sun. I refused to play the victim. We severed ties. I cried every day, longed to experience this with him, longed for him to approach me with love and find a solution as a couple to this problem.

He eventually came around only for us to find that I had lost the baby when I was 17 weeks gone.
I have never felt more empty, more desperate.

He stayed in touch, we resumed our physical relationship straight afterwards, but I wasn't getting the affection I needed. Instead, he would often still blame me for losing the baby, for having bad genes. But he wouldn't go away. I was torn. I was in love with him, had shared many great moments with him, but I couldn't go on like this. And I couldn't see a way out either.
Eventually, after a last minute holiday together, we broke up when we came back. We never said anything, we just stopped talking.
It hurt, but I tried to rationalise it and get on with my life.

A month later he got in touch to say he missed me. Since then, he's been in touch a few times to ask if I'm dating anyone and even to ask me to go to a geneticist with him, 2 months after we broke up! He said he still loves me and cares for me and hasn't ruled out the possibility of a relationship with me.

This has crushed everything I've been trying to do in the last 2 months. It's like putting my life on hold until he decides what he wants, which I hate. I have feelings for him but I have a life and need and want to move on.
However wanting and managing are two completely different things.

I'm finding myself crying at the drop of a hat, going to work like a zombie, sleeping a lot or waking up in the middle of the night with a sense of a twist in my heart, pushing myself to get out of the house and do things but losing interest soon, not even being able to watch tv. I have sought professional help and have been seeing somebody for about 6 weeks now. I just feel helpless and see no point in moving on, even if I feel better I don't know what the point would be. I have no interest in dating. I hate sunny, bright weather, I hate, hate, hate the summer coming again, the holidays coming and me going through the motions once again, alone..
I feel like no one will be able to love and appreciate me, get past my condition, which doesn't really affect my day to day life, like time is moving and I'm getting older.
Thanx for reading.

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Keep on hanging in there. Most people get over depression quite naturally eventually. However, if you activelly manage that depression, as I am suggesting on this site, you can shift it really fast.

There is no place for abuse in a healthy relationship. Stick to your guns, keep moving forward and rebuild your life. Reading your contribution it appeared to me that you are pretty resourceful. Do sort that depression, you can do without that added layer of suffering - you already have enough on your plate!