The negativ
e effects of
divorce on children in the middle of the conflict can be
much contained if you can really put their needs first.
My experience is that considerate parents are desperate to minimise the negative effects of separation and divorce on their children and will have explored every way to resolve the problems.
I would urge you to go for couples counselling, if you haven't already done so. It will give you some comfort to know that you have done all you can to prevent your children having to go through the pain of a family break-up.
If you are here, because you are considering separation/divorce, but don't know whether you should stay or go, then this end relationship test can help you make the right decision.
First of all much depends of course on what goes on before your separation and subsequent d
divorce. Then it really matters how you tell your children about what is going to happen. Even at this very early point there is real potential to get it wrong - with lasting consequences. Therefore I recommend: How to tell the kids about divorce.
Your children may, in the first couple of months, feel rejected, insecure, guilty, confused and angry - probably much like you.
They may become withdrawn, difficult, very ‘good’ or swing
between all three. Their school work might be affected and they
may be depressed.
Your children are likely to worry about with whom they are going to live, and may feel in a double bind - not wanting to let either one of you down. Of course much depends on how old they are, with teenagers most likely to be assertive about who they want to live with. Whatever their age though - children in the middle of the separation and divorce feel torn.
Opportunities to express how they are feeling may or may not be appreciated by your children, depending on their age, their nature and the relationship you and you partner/spouse have with them.
You may find out how they are feeling, because you instigated a conversation or discover what is going on for them almost 'by accident'. Either way, you may hear that they:
That is not easy for you to hear. However, with your support, most of what they feel will eventually fade and all of you should feel better in time. Progress and outcome will greatly depend on how you deal with the break-up. Do not allow your children to be in the middle of the arguments.
It is therefore really worth doing all you can to save your marriage, particularly since second marriages have a much higher chance of ending in divorce. So - the grass really isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the fence. Even if only you want to work on your relationship and you think your spouse has all but given up, I still recommend Save The Marriage by Lee Baucom PhD.
If by any chance your wife/husband has just told you: "It is over", then do read my
page: Get your ex back.
Nevertheless ... it is as well to be prepared, so here is more
about how you can help your children ...
Children in the middle of their parents' conflict need lots of reassurance. They are often aware of their parents' distress - because it is acted out in front of them, or because they can just 'sense' it.
So, this is what they need to hear:

Questions about hypnosis? See: Hypnosis online FAQ.
The following will undoubtedly cause a divorce to have a negative effect on your children:
|
Helping your children
feel secure Avoid letting your children break the normal, reasonable rules - those you always considered important. Try to remain calm, but insistent. Good ‘boundaries’ help your children to feel secure. My wonderful friend Miriam Chachamu is a fabulous family therapist. She has written an easy to read book with really helpful, common sense strategies to deal with 'challenging' (read 'normal'!) behaviour. It will help you stay in control and your children to feel secure and cooperative. |
|
There is no doubt that
most people are worse off. Instead of having two salaries
coming in - if indeed that was/is the case - you will only have
one income. You have to work longer hours, worry more about
what would happen if you lost your job, cope with potential
disagreements over maintenance and be dependent on your
partner/spouse's cooperation for your financial security.
Just think what the effect on your children of that is going to
be.
You could of course consider working from home. It is never going to be an easy option, but it is a viable one for many with for instance an internet-based business. You could use your passion or knowledge to create that income right from the very spot you are sitting now.
There are programmes that make it possible. It would still be very hard work, but they offer you the possibility of building an independent income and be around the kids and/or have more time for yourself. For one such programmes that might even suit 'non-techies' click here.
You owe it to yourself and the children to look after yourself as best as you can. Explore the pages on this website you will find lots of help and advice.
When you are coping, you are far more likely to be able to bite your tongue, when it comes to it. It will prevent your children from being/feeling in the middle and feeling responsible for their parents upsets and well-being.
Fine-tune your relationship and lift your spirits!
|
You may also be interested in: |
Food affects your mood!
|
| Divorce advice and
counselling Ending a relationship Dealing with infidelity - page 3 Divorce advice for men How to get your ex back |
![]() |
Images courtesy of: 1 SnajaGjenero; 2 Benjamin Earwicker
New! Comments ...
Over to you ...
What is your most pressing problem right now?
What did you miss on this page?
What did you like about this page?