Children in the middle of separation and divorce

The negative effects of divorce on children in the middle of the conflict can be much contained if you can really put their needs first.

My experience is that considerate parents are desperate to minimise the negative effects of separation and divorce on their children and will have explored every way to resolve the problems.

I would urge you to go for couples counselling, if you haven't already done so.  It will give you some comfort to know that you have done all you can to prevent your children having to go through the pain of a family break-up.

You may be painfully reminded of your own family break-up.  Draw on this experience when you consider what you can do to help your children get through this difficult time.

If you are here, because you are considering separation/divorce, but don't know whether you should stay or go, then this end relationship test can help you make the right decision.

Effects of divorce on children in the middle of the conflict

First of all much depends of course on what goes on before your separation and subsequent d

divorce.  Then it really matters how you tell your children about what is going to happen.  Even at this very early point there is real potential to get it wrong - with lasting consequences.  Therefore I recommend: How to tell the kids about divorce.

Your children may, in the first couple of months, feel rejected, insecure, guilty, confused and angry - probably much like you.

They may become withdrawn, difficult, very ‘good’ or swing between all three. Their school work might be affected and they may be depressed.

Do not allow your children to be in the middle

Your children are likely to worry about with whom they are going to live, and may feel in a double bind - not wanting to let either one of you down.  Of course much depends on how old they are, with teenagers most likely to be assertive about who they want to live with.  Whatever their age though - children in the middle of the separation and divorce feel torn.

Opportunities to express how they are feeling may or may not be appreciated by your children, depending on their age, their nature and the relationship you and you partner/spouse have with them.

You may find out how they are feeling, because you instigated a conversation  or discover what is going on for them almost 'by accident'.  Either way, you may hear that they:

• feel angry with (blame) you, your partner or the both of you
• miss the other parent
• want to know if and when the two of you are getting back together
• do not feel they have a ‘normal’ family

That is not easy for you to hear.  However, with your support, most of what they feel will eventually fade and all of you should feel better in time.  Progress and outcome will greatly depend on how you deal with the break-up. Do not allow your children to be in the middle of the arguments.

It is therefore really worth doing all you can to save your marriage, particularly since second marriages have a much higher chance of ending in divorce.  So - the grass really isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the fence.  Even if only you want to work on your relationship and you think your spouse has all but given up, I still recommend Save The Marriage by Lee Baucom PhD.

If by any chance your wife/husband has just told you: "It is over", then do read my page: Get your ex back.

Nevertheless ... it is as well to be prepared, so here is more about how you can help your children ...

Children in the middle? What they need to hear.

Children in the middle of their parents' conflict need lots of reassurance.  They are often aware of their parents' distress - because it is acted out in front of them, or because they can just 'sense' it.

So, this is what they need to hear:

• You both love them, despite your living separately
• You will both continue to care for them (if they are safe)
• You will not leave them (which they often fear, if one parent has left)
• You will see and speak with them on the telephone
• It is not their fault (however ‘naughty’ they may have been)
• They are very special (with the reasons why)
• What is going to happen at least short-term, taking into account your children’s understanding of time (age-related)
• You are interested in their views, however: you and your partner/husband/wife make the decisions, however difficult and upsetting

Tips to minimise the effects of divorce on children

Here is a list of strategies that will help your children feel more secure during your separation and divorce.  If your children really are in the middle of the conflict, because you row about who should have custody or residence order, then please do also access professional help for your sake and theirs.

• Keep other changes to a minimum
• Changes invariably mean losses, even if there are positive aspects
• Ensure that it is possible for them to love you both
• Ensure they do not feel they are letting you and/or your partner down
• Allow them to talk about how they have spent their time with the other parent
• Encourage contact with both sides of the family if possible
• Continue to visit friends as normal
• Make sure that they cannot overhear your sharing concerns about the separation/divorce with friends and family
• Give them plenty opportunity to talk (easier during a joint activity)
• Keep your promises!  So do make sure that when you make a promise, you are able to keep it.
• Carry on with the usual activities and routines, whenever possible
• Make time to sit with them, to play with them, to watch them, to cuddle them
• At all costs, try and stay calm whilst you are around them shouting only encourages them to shout
• Keep conflict away from them and make sure that friends and family do the same!

Negative effects of divorce

The following will undoubtedly cause a divorce to have a negative effect on your children:

• Speaking badly of your partner to or in front of the children
• Making under hands remarks to and about your (ex-)husband/wife
• Changing arrangements for visits, unless unavoidable
• Not turning up when they are expecting you
• Making promises you are not sure you can keep
• Saying to your children: “You are now the man/woman of the house”.
• However: children will benefit from being given age/ability-appropriate tasks, as that increase their self-esteem
• Letting other people get away with speaking badly about either of you in front of the children, no matter who they are. Your kids will be in the middle and it will have a negative effect.
• Letting your children get away with bad behaviour, because you are overcompensating.  Deal with your feelings of guilt in a helpful way: order the hypnosis download Overcome parental guilt.

Helping your children feel secure Avoid letting your children break the normal, reasonable rules -  those you always considered important.  Try to remain calm, but insistent.  Good ‘boundaries’ help your children to feel secure. My wonderful friend Miriam Chachamu is a fabulous family therapist.  She has written an easy to read book with really helpful, common sense strategies to deal with 'challenging' (read 'normal'!) behaviour.  It will help you stay in control and your children to feel secure and cooperative.

What about your finances?

There is no doubt that most people are worse off.  Instead of having two salaries coming in - if indeed that was/is the case - you will only have one income.  You have to work longer hours, worry more about what would happen if you lost your job, cope with potential disagreements over maintenance and be dependent on your partner/spouse's cooperation for your financial security.  Just think what the effect on your children of that is going to be.

You could of course consider working from home.  It is never going to be an easy option, but it is a viable one for many with for instance an internet-based business.  You could use your passion or knowledge to create that income right from the very spot you are sitting now.

There are programmes that make it possible.  It would still be very hard work, but they offer you the possibility of building an independent income and be around the kids and/or have more time for yourself.  For one such programmes that might even suit 'non-techies' click here.

Helping yourself to help your children

You owe it to yourself and the children to look after yourself as best as you can.  Explore the pages on this website you will find lots of help and advice.

When you are coping, you are far more likely to be able to bite your tongue, when it comes to it.  It will prevent your children from being/feeling in the middle and feeling responsible for their parents upsets and well-being.

You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
Divorce advice and counselling Ending a relationship Dealing with infidelity - page 3 Divorce advice for men How to get your ex back

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Other helpful links:

Mercola.com - Article about research findings on stress and children
ScienceDirect - Meta analysis: Parental divoce and the well-being of children

Images courtesy of: 1 SnajaGjenero; 2 Benjamin Earwicker

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