
The negative effects of divorce on children can be much contained if you can really put their needs first.
My experience is that considerate parents are desperate to minimise the negative effects of separation and divorce on their children and will have explored every way to resolve the problems.
I would urge you to go for couples counselling, if you haven't already done so. It will give you some comfort to know that you have done all you can to prevent your children having to go through the pain of a family break-up.
You may be painfully reminded of your own family break-up. Draw on this experience when you consider what you can do to help your children get through this difficult time.
First
of all much depends of course on what goes on before your
separation and subsequent divorce. Then it really matters how you tell your children about
what is going to happen. Even at this very early point there is
real potential to get it wrong - with lasting consequences.
Therefore I recommend: How
to
tell
the
kids
about
divorce.
Your children may, in the first couple of months, feel rejected, insecure, guilty, confused and angry - probably much like you.
They may become withdrawn, difficult, very ‘good’ or swing between all three. Their school work might be affected and they may be depressed
Your
children may worry about with whom they are going to live, and may feel
in a double bind - not wanting to let either one of you down. Of
course much depends on how old they are, with teenagers most likely to
be assertive about who they want to live with.
Opportunities to express how they are feeling may or may not be appreciated by your children, depending on their age, their nature and the relationship you have with them.
You may find out how they are feeling, because you instigated a conversation or discover what is going on for them almost 'by accident'. Either way, you may hear that they:
That is not easy for you to hear. However, with your support,
most of what they feel will eventually fade and all of you should feel
better in time. Progress and outcome will greatly depend on how you deal with the break-up. Do
not allow your children to be in the middle of the arguments.

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The following will undoubtedly cause a divorce to have a negative effect on your children:
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Helping your children feel
secure Avoid letting your children break the normal, reasonable rules - those you always considered important. Try to remain calm, but insistent. Good ‘boundaries’ help your children to feel secure. My wonderful friend Miriam Chachamu is a fabulous family therapist. She has written an easy to read book with really helpful, common sense strategies to deal with 'challenging' (read 'normal'!) behaviour. It will help you stay in control and your children to feel secure and cooperative. |
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There is no doubt that most
people are worse off. Instead of having two salaries coming in -
if indeed that was/is the case - you will only have one income.
You have to work longer hours, worry more about what would happen if
you lost your job, cope with potential disagreements over maintenance
and be dependent on your partner/spouse's cooperation for your
financial security. Just think what the effect on your children
of that is going to be.
You could of course consider working from home. It is never going to be an easy option, but it is a viable one for many with for instance an internet-based business. You could use your passion or knowlegde to create that income right from the very spot you are sitting now.
There are programmes that make it possible. It would still be very hard work, but they offer you the possibility of building an independent income and be around the kids and/or have more time for yourself. For one such programmes that might even suit 'non-techies' click here.
When you are coping, you are far more likely to be able to bite your tongue, when it comes to it. It will prevent your children from being/feeling in the middle and feeling responsible for their parents upsets and well-being.