Breaking up tips 

Relationship breakup advice

My breaking up tips - or rather: relationship breakup advice - will help you to break up whilst limiting the pain as much as possible.  Have paper and pen at hand - it might help to write things down.

I am going to assume that you want to break up amicably, but don’t know where and how to start.  You may well have been tempted to just carry on as normal - untill 'something' happens, end it by text/email, or leave a note and disappear.  That is not the answer!  Read on to discover the right way to break up for both of you.

Stages of a break up

Endings in relationships happen in different stages.  They start from ‘not being altogether happy’ to thinking about breaking up.  Next there is the wondering how and when. 

I am going to help you do the breaking up in steps.  However sad and difficult, we have to accept that endings happen and I want you to do it well - with you both keeping your dignity in tact.  That, at least, makes it easier on you and is likely to help your partner recover quicker and better.  Of course, I am assuming that you are totally sure.  If not - you might like to use this interesting tool (and whilst you are there, make sure you have a good look at that massively successful site).

Step 1 - thinking about your reasons to break up

You need to have the right information at hand to talk to your spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend about breaking up.  We’ll talk later about how you would start.  Just trust me and think about the answers to these questions and write down the answers.  Having notes will pay off later, when I am going to help you prepare how to actually say it using some of the answers later.

• How long have you been together?
• How did you first meet?
• What attracted you to your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse?
• What did you like most about him/her?
• When did you first notice that the relationship was not quite right?
• When did you begin to wonder what it would be like if you ended the relationship? (Tip: it was probably earlier than you think)
• Are you already in a relationship with someone else?
• Does your partner suspect your infidelity?
• Have you already found somewhere else to live (if living together)?
• What exactly has bothered you about the relationship?
• What exactly do you not like about him/her? (Tip: this one is for you.)

Step 2 - my advice on what not to say

I wanted you to think about the last question, just so that you are clear, at the very least for your own sake, why you are breaking up.  What and how you tell your partner about that is a different matter.  So, here are my tips:

• Don’t tell her/him bluntly what you don’t like
• Accept that you personally don’t like those things about her/him
• Accept that someone else might have no problem with them
• You are responsible for your own likes and dislikes
• Don’t blame her/him for things that have gone wrong - just accept that you probably both played a role in it, to a greater or lesser extend
• Don’t say something like: “It is not about you, it’s all me” - a cop-out
• Do not attack the person, talk about behaviours you find difficult

Read more tips now on what not to do or say by visiting how to end a relationship, I’ll be here when you come back.

Step 3 - prepare what you are going to say

I am assuming that you have read the recommended page.  You know now how to prepare for the fateful event.  Now you are ready to learn what you need to say to end the relationship. 

Above all, when breaking up, you need to:

• Take it gently - step by step - take your time.
• Be kind and considerate.  He/she may not have seen it coming!
  
• Do not become defensive - it is too late and pointless to start defending yourself.  It will only turn into a row and consequently a bad ending - not worth it at this stage.
  
• Stay as calm as you can, regardless of your partner's reaction.
• Avoid at all cost saying anything like: ‘but’, ‘maybe’, ‘if you would only’.  These leave the door open to your partner/spouse trying to maintain the relationship and endless discussions.

Have you found yourself giving your partner an opportunity to 'make amends' before?  Well, in that case you may want to ask yourself if perhaps you are not sure about ending the relationship.  In that case I recommend getting some counselling, for you or for you both.  If you were you 'just being kind' - you are really chickening out and not being kind at all! 

Step 4 - Top tips for what to say when breaking up

It is now time to put it all together, so that you can rehearse exactly what you are going to say. Comments on what you don’t like might invite promises of improvement, however having honest reasons can help someone with recovering from a break up.

• Say something about how long you have been together
• Say briefly about what attracted you to her/him (helps you to find your feet)
• Tell them the things you really liked about them or doing with them
• Say that, looking back, you can see how things have started to go downhill from roughly … (not exactly, as they may start to analyse then and there)
• State very clearly that the relationship is over for you and that there is now really no hope of the two of you trying again.
  
• Don't be tempted to answer the 'why not's with too much detail.  Say that from your perspective you are just not a match.  That all the things you do like about her/him still don't make it work (at least mention something positive!).

My relationship break up advice is only really going to work for you if your intent is right.  Your intent to end with care and consideration is more important - no breaking up tips, however professional, can make up for that. 

However, you may still not really be sure that you are doing the right thing by ending your relationship/marriage.  Just think - all that time that you have invested recently in worrying/wondering about it - what might the outcome have been if you had invested that time in sorting out the problems? 

Well, you may really come to regret breaking up, unless you have given it every chance, so do something about it right now and click here for the marriage/relationship repair guide.

Return from Breaking Up Tips to Home at Mind and Relationship Matters

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