Bored with your marriage or relationship?
Break the routine!

Are you bored or is your partner bored in your relationship?  Do you think you’re both stuck in a rut – in a dull marriage or long-term relationship?

Maybe it’s time to inject some energy into your relationship or marriage, before you give up hope. I'm going to help you with that right here and now.  I have a list of solutions to help dispel that boredom and create more excitement, as well as intimacy.

Are you bored and don't even know how to talk about it to your partner? Get my Communication Kit for Couples to get you started. After that, do come back here so you can both have a look at what you can do to improve the situation.

Is it normal to feel bored in a relationship?

Boring relationship or marriage

You’re probably aware that it’s fairly normal for that all-absorbing flush of excitement in the early stages of a relationship to wear off somewhat.  It may last from a few months to a couple of years.  However, romantic love can and does last in some relationships.

To bring back that sparkle, one of the best things you can do is engage in some completely new activities.

Breaking the monotony

Are you absolutely sure that you’re bored with your relationship or marriage, or your partner - or are you actually Bored with ‘Life’?

If you know it’s your relationship - could one aspect of your life (for example work or an affair) be so fast-paced and exciting that your marriage or relationship feels boring in comparison?

Read on for ideas to change your routines and break the monotony of your relationship - if at least for the moment you’re committed to making it work.

I also suggest you get my Advanced Communication Kit for Couples to start enjoying deeper, more meaningful and also fun conversations.

Personal issues leading to boredom?

Do try and create some happiness in yourself as well as in your relationship. Take this opportunity to start sorting out any personal issues.

You don't necessarily need counselling or therapy. You can do an awful lot yourself and really make a difference. Undoubtedly that will do your relationship or marriage the world of good too.

Hypnosis can be a great way to make those changes, so have a look at Online Hypnosis FAQ. Imagine sorting out your problems with self-hypnosis whilst for example lying on your bed or sitting in the sun. How cool is that? You'll be surprised at how quickly your boredom can disappear.

If you really feel stuck - in your relationship or with yourself - then you can connect to a professional, licensed therapist in confidence. See my page: Online Relationship Advice.

Change your perspective

You may be able to reframe ‘routine’ into a ‘sense of security’ when you’re bored with your marriage or relationship.  This reframe changes the meaning of the supposed boredom and monotony into a deeper attachment - the next stage in your relationship.  This is the stage whereby you have an opportunity to nurture a warm sense of lasting, comfortable and settled togetherness.

If you feel you’ve just generally run out of steam then do have a go at hypnosis. It’s easy, cost-effective and is a great way of dealing with all kinds of problems. You can learn more about self-hypnosis here.

Here are some ideas to help you get started with changing your routine...

Do something completely out of the ordinary together

Life can become ever so serious and predictable when you have bills to pay and a job to do.  You may have little control over that.  However, you can change your routine completely in other ways.

For example: if you both like the cinema, go to a theatre performance instead.  If you like going to gigs, go to an opera.  If you like watching movies at home, go for a six-mile hike.  Instead of going to a football match, go to a tennis match.  If you like clubbing, how about ballroom dancing for a complete change?

Dr Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist, who has researched why and whom we love for match.com. She’s discovered in her research that doing novel activities stimulates the dopamine circuit in the brain – this is the circuit of romantic love*.  So go for it!

Just think of the anticipation, and the stories you can share after the event.  I’m sure you get my drift!

Wake up, get off the couch and break the monotony

Plan ahead or go last minute

Whatever you do - it has to be new to create that bonding effect!  Get away for a few days and do something completely out of the ordinary for you.  You can go cheap – by going camping or hiring a bicycle. Or you can go luxurious – even if only for one night. In fact: make plans as well as provision for the spontaneous.

Finding it difficult to decide?  Brainstorm in advance one evening - make a list of things you might like to do given the opportunity.  Be sure to include both your wishes.  When you go along with something your partner wants to do, it’s your investment in the relationship.

Are you investing in your own interests?

You could of course be doing too much of that already - in which case, hop to the next heading.  But if not ... it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to meet all your needs.  You each need time for your own personal development - your own interests, hobbies and friends - as well as sharing leisure time.

There should be no need to feel threatened by your partner's outside interests if you spend enough time together and all is well between the two of you.  At the end of the day you have something to talk about if each one of you cares enough to show an interest.

Put a big cross in your diary

A relationship is like a plant - if you don’t feed and water it, it’s going to die!

If you’re both very busy - perhaps with work, your own interests (though see previous point) and/or with the children - make space in your diary for just the two of you.  Put a very deliberate cross in your diary for, at the very least, one evening a fortnight, where you plan nothing at all but to be together.

Do something you wouldn’t normally do!  To keep the relationship alive and healthy – it’s really helpful if every now and then you do something completely out of the ordinary.

Remember the music you listened to when you met?

Find those old tracks and have them as background music to a romantic evening.

Read those old letters or emails you sent to each other (if you had any at all and have kept them!)

Get the photos out from your early days.

Wear the aftershave/perfume you wore when you first met - your brain will do the rest!

Constantly rehearsing what you dislike about your partner?

No wonder you're bored!  You are routinely making yourself (and him or her) more miserable. So it’s really time to save your relationship (review of marriage repair blueprint).

Not sure your relationship can last? Have you been questioning your relationship compatibility lately? Then my Relationship Test will help you to find out the state of play.

Did you get together with your partner in the hope that he or she would make your life exciting?

Only you can make your life worthwhile.  Unless you take personal responsibility, you may find yourself bored in the next relationship too…

Swap regular sleep-overs for the children with friends

Dress up, or undress ;-), in different rooms for starters.

Take turns in organising a surprise outing (see above).  If you have children, also take turns to arrange for baby-sitters (or see above).

Alternatively, cook a three-course meal for your partner (or buy ready-made stuff and pretend!), when he or she least expects it.

Spice up your sex-life; read books from Nicole Daedom, Kidder Kaper, Tommy Leanard and Tammy Nelson.  Or find some exciting films!

Watch the video below for more encouragement:

Picnic in the middle of the night and watch the stars

Or picnic at five in the morning, watch the sun come up and listen to the birds' morning chorus.  Picnic in the pouring rain or in a raging storm.

Change things in the bedroom

A bedroom is for sleeping (and enjoying your sexual relationship of course) - so take the television out of that room.

Make love, just be tender, listen to music or a spoken book together.  Swap sides - sleep on the other side of the bed every now and then. Change the room around.

Go to bed together for a change.  I know one of you may be a night owl, but hey ... this is a chance to invest in the relationship ...

Go on a last minute holiday

Boredom leads to stress!  What about being really spontaneous?  Put yourself out: give partner's boss a call and arrange for your partner to have time off.

Sort the children, the cat, the dog and the plants and arrange a complete surprise.

Be sure that your partner is up for those kinds of tricks though - you wouldn’t want to cause a medical emergency! ;-)

Brainstorm together

Write down any ideas you can think of to change your regular pattern, however silly it might initially seem.  Sift later and plan for the best.

Make sure that you won't again need to search for 'how not to be bored'.

Oh... and do make each other feel special with a card or a gift every now and then!

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Related articles

Nonverbal Communication
How You End Any Relationship Gracefully
Ending a Long-term Relationship
How to Deal with Rejection
How to Deal with Infidelity
25 Common Relationship Problems

References

*Fisher, H. Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Holt Paperbacks; Reprint edition December 9, 2004.

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Elly Prior

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It's me - Elly Prior, I'm the Founder and Author of this site. I'm a 'real' person! I'm hoping to make a positive difference, small or large, to every person who visits my site.

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