Body language signs

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Maybe you are keen to uncover, from someones body language, you want to know the signs of physical attraction.  It can be really difficult to figure out if someone is attracted to you.  You want to know that he/she 'fancies' you.

Perhaps you are interested in body language signs for professional reasons.

Learning about body language signs is obviously useful if you are dating.  However, understanding about body language signs is not only important in personal relationships, but is clearly helpful too for a whole range of professionals - counsellors, teachers, business people.  Becoming observant of and learning to understand nonverbal communication increases your emotional intelligence.

Nonverbal communication

As well as reading this page on body language signs - be sure to also read types of non-verbal communication.

I hope I can help you figure out some stuff, because body language signs can be the cause much confusion and miscommunication.

Spotting body language signs and responding to them

It is with years of experience that I have learned to pick up on signs that I need to pay attention too.  As a counsellor I have found over time what to look for, what to do with it, how much attention to give to it, and how and when to respond.

You are faced with a completely different situation.  So, I hope to be able to help you to understand other people's messages a little better.  It will prepare you for more fruitful conversations with the people around you, be they friends, family, business associates or students.  Though I will be focus on you and your partner/wife/husband, girl- or boyfriend in particular.

How to avoid making mistakes

It is not helpful to attach a ‘fixed meaning’ to any particular movements as a 'sign' of something.  Avoid ‘interpreting’ non-verbal signs without other ‘evidence’.

Reading body language can be a complicated business, even though we have a 'natural ability'.  Deaf people who use sign language rely on several ways to make the meaning of their communication clear: hand signals, mouthing the words, signing the 'space' they place people and objects in, moving their body, etc.

Body language signs missing in text messages and emails

Whilst we are on the subject of caution - when you are reading about body language signs, remind yourself of any texts or emails you have sent recently.

How would the meaning of that text/email have changed if you had 'said' it with a smile or with a cheeky sense of humor.  What would it have meant if you said it in an angry voice, still using the same words.  How would it have sounded in a gently challenging tone of voice, or if you had delivered in a 'straight to the point- no nonsense' kind of way?

The meaning of a face-to-face communication depends to a large extend on your body language and how you use your voice (more details on my 'types of non-verbal communication' page).  You do have control over you part of the communication.  It still does not guarantee how it will be perceived by the receiver though.

Go through some of your messages again and check ... just out of interest ....

All about the head, face and neck

Here is a list of all the body language signs you might want to take notice of.  They are within your field of vision when you are having a conversation:

• General movement in facial muscles - involuntary or deliberate - grimacing, twitching, smiling, frowning. Lifting or dropping of the eyebrows: surprise, questioning, wondering, not believing

• Frowning - it can mean: discomfort, physical pain (why exactly at that moment, you might ask yourself or indeed your partner), anger, suspicion, or listening intently.

• Smiling - which facial muscles are moving?  Is it a real smile that involves all the facial muscles?  An artificial smile would involve only the muscles around the mouth.  It leaves no trace of any pleasure and it could be an attempt to hide displeasure, disagreement and/or discomfort.

• Nodding - this can mean all kinds of things.  It could simply be an encouragement for you to say more, or an agreement.  It could also be hiding negative feelings, even though you might think it implies an agreement.  It could be an automatic movement - implying 'I am listening', but the listener has really switched off.

• Eye contact and movement of the eyes - avoiding your gaze at one end of the scale and staring at the other.  Both could mean the same: "I am uncomfortable, but I don't want to let on". 
  Looking away can be a way of discouraging communication.  It is well-know though that couples in love maintain eye contact for longer than average.
  We all know about the lifting of eyes to the ceiling too: "Oh for goodness sake" - usually with along with a bit of 'tutting'.

  Winking - sometimes hardly noticeable.  Winking may simply be a habit someone has developed to communicate comfort or kindness.  It can also mean "you and I know what is going on" or "I like you".

• Size of the pupils - abnormally large may mean shock or absolute terror.  It can also be associated with medication or drug use.

• Neck - you will see someone swallowing when the are anxious. What you can't see it that their mouth is dry.  When someone is feeling uncomfortable they may stroke their neck to sooth themselves.  Covering the windpipe can be seen as being defensive - protecting of the self.

This study shows that sleep deprivation reduces facial expressiveness, even though there is no reduction in emotions felt.  Just think about what any lack of such important body language signs can have on personal relationships.

Interpreting body language course

UK Body Language Expert Robert Phipps has produced a fantastic course on interpreting body language.  Whether you want to become a better communicator in business, want to know if your partner is lying, want to be sure not to give the wrong impression for any reason or want to be taken more serious - you'll love the detail in what he presents.

 Have a look at that course for yourself - scroll down to the video clip of Robert's appearance on the 5 o'clock show with Richard Hammond (UK), where he talks about the body language of a liar - fab!

Lust or love - what your face says about you

Here is a video clip of an interview with biological anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher.  Helen is an adviser for Chemistry.com and is the author of the book: Why we love.

Signs of physical attraction

There are other body language signs of people who are physically attracted to someone:

• Lips become engorged when someone is sexually aroused, making kissing all that more pleasurable.

• Sitting across a woman, who is playing with her mouth and licking her lips?  You may be in luck. If she is moving her head closer to you, perhaps tilting her head, you have had sufficient body language signs to know that she is physically attracted to you and chance kissing her!

• Couples in love, scan each other's faces more. 

• Being attracted to each other, they maintain eye contact for longer - gazing into each other's eyes that would in other circumstances feel intrusive.

• Couples in love act as a team, there body movements are often sychronised, as in a dance.

• Once committed - their bodies are often intertwined - their arms wrapped around each other, legs over each other - whatever they feel they can get away with!

• Early on, they may 'accidentally' touch each other, reducing their interpersonal space for someone they feel physically attracted to.

• Paradoxically, early on they may actually avoid looking at each other or touching each other so as not to give away how much they think of the other.

Helen Fisher's book "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love" is one of my favorites, as she backs up all that detail about chemistry between two individuals with a scientific explanation - a fascinating read.  Actually, so is "Why Him, Why Her".

It also struck me recently that the body language portrayed in music videos overemphasises what tends to happen naturally.  I am wondering to what extent that shapes perception and expectation of the people who watch these videos.

• US - Books on body language
• UK - Books on body language

'Hidden' body language signs?

There is good evidence that we pick up a whole range of cues unconsciously.

This link takes you to the report on a really interesting study regarding specific cues that men pick up around the time a woman is ovulating.  The researchers conclude that further studies are needed to discover how these unconscious body language signs relate to behaviour and communication in relationships - what are the 'real' and 'perceived' differences in behaviour between the sexes around the time of ovulation.

The rest of the body

Culture, gender and age also affect the way we hold, touch, move and gesture.  As you read on, reflect on these influences alongside with what I have written.

• Mirroring of posture - is your partner/husband/wife moving into a similar direction, moving at the same time, putting their spine at the same angle as yours?  Good news - you are likely to be in harmony!  You might even want to use these indicators to create a sense of being alike or togetherness.

• Interpersonal distance and your personal space - is your partner moving closer or further - to what degree and how does it relate to your movements. These movements are all part of the 'dance' of body language and can be conscious or unconscious. 
  The distance between the two of you will be constantly increasing and decreasing. 
  The distance between (potential) partners depends on intentions, how comfortable you are with each other, the sound and pitch of his/her voice.  It also depends on where your interaction take place - the environment you are in, whether public, amongst family and friends or in private.

• Movement of the feet.  This one is really interesting! Often we are not aware that we are moving our feet, when someone has touched a snare.

• Hand gestures can have different meanings in different cultures, but are often used to emphasise what is being said.  A sudden movement of the hands, however slight, can mean discomfort too.  The conversation may have touched a raw nerve, or some other link with a memory or feeling. Take your pick!

In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual by the American Psychiatric Association, the lack of gestures, movement, animation, etc. in someone is named 'psycho-motor retardation'.  It is one of the warning signs of depression.

How best to respond

I hope that you now understand how important it is not to jump to conclusions.  You can see now that it is vital to check out what your perceive someone else's body language signs mean.

You can do that by directly referring to what you have noticed and gently asking what happened when this or that was said.  More subtly - come back to that part of the conversation at a later stage and talk a bit more/explore a bit further.

How to communicate effectively

By being open, inviting, interested and non-judgmental, you are far more likely to find out what is going on for you boyfriend/girlfriend or partner, rather than just relying on body language signs.

You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
Infidelity warning signs, incl. Body Language of a 'Liar' Relationship communication List of human emotions Managing stress in the workplace

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Other helpful links:

Psychological Science - Pitfalls and opportunities in non-verbal and verbal lie detection
BBC - Woman's hour: Women's bodies: Lips
The Human Face - 4 part BBC series examining the face, with John Cleese
Psychological Science - He loves me, he loves me not
PsychCentral - Copying body language can have a social cost
PsychBlog - 10 messages my pupils are sending you

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News about body language signs:

12 Jan 2012 MedicalXpress - Deaf quicker at picking up body language
27 Aug 2011 - MailOnline: Hands' off he's mine!  The body language pose women use to warn rivals off men

Images courtesy of: 1, 4, 5 Ingrid Müller Maare Liiv; 3 Iris Scherer; 6 Muriel Miralles de Sawicki

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