Arguing couples

when "everything's an argument"

Fed up with endless and pointless arguments?

I am going to help you get to grip with all the arguing!  An angry couple is an unhappy couple.  All the information here and on other pages will equip you to transform your relationship.

When you begin to focus on meeting your husband/wife’s essential emotional needs, you are much more likely to ride the waves and calm things down.

First of all, the way you communicate with each other needs some tweaking! Constantly arguing couples make the same mistakes over and over again, yet wonder why things don't improve.  If you always do the same - you are going to get the same!

Do you know exactly what to say and how to say it?

It helps if your ‘other half’ knows you want to discuss something important or something that you know causes arguments.  Here is what you need to consider.

• Know what you want to achieve in ideal circumstances
• Consider alternative solutions
• Work out beforehand what you want to say
• Write it down if necessary
• Think about how you are going to say it
• Practise responding calmly to any potentially adverse reactions
• Read the page on dealing with criticism
• Know what you are willing to give up
• Decide on a ‘reward’ (Tip: a new activity increases the level of dopamine - a ‘feel-good’ hormone)
  

Set the scene for 'fair fighting'

• Make sure that it is a good time for both of you
• Read the page on relationship communication
• Ensure that you won’t be disturbed
• Establish ground rules before you start to ensure a 'fair fight' - e.g. agree to stay calm - no shouting, no name calling, no put-downs, etc
• Agree to stop or take a break when you fear you are loosing control
• Set a time limit on the conversation
  

10 Tips that stop couples arguing

• Invite your spouse to help you each get the best out of the ’chat’
• Give him/her plenty of time to express him/herself
• Avoid interrupting at all cost!
• Listen out for underlying emotional needs that have not been met
• Ask questions in a neutral tone of voice; avoid making assumptions
• Remember: listening does not imply agreeing!
• Repeat what you think you have heard in your own words
• Summarise to check that you have understood as much as possible
• Ask how the other’s solution will solve the problem
• Ask/ensure the person allows you to do the same
  

Stop arguing, focus on finding a positive solution

• Be specific, focus on a particular issue, don’t drift into other issues
• Do not confuse things by talking about other people and events  
• Be brief, if you really need to refer to associated events
• Refer to only a couple of examples of those, to illustrate if necessary
• Turn complaints into wishes
• Talk about how you can each contribute to a positive outcome
• Accept that you are not going to agree
• Compromise!
  

How to compromise and stop arguments

• Firstly, ensure equal time to explain both position fully (ground rule!)
• Accept that you cannot have it all your own way
• Say what you are willing to give up
• Brainstorm together for ideas neither of you had even considered - make it fun and who knows what you can come up with!
  

How to conclude the negotiations

• Confirm what each is responsible for to ensure a successful outcome
• Discuss the best way to remind each other of agreements, without pressurising 
• Be clear together what the consequences are for non-committal
• Set a date and time, when you can ’revisit’ the subject (I call it a ‘board meeting when I work with couples)
  

Are you both constantly angry?

Sometimes it is difficult to reach a compromise.  In that case the person for whom the issue is least important can choose to ‘invest’ in the relationship.  He/she can let the other have it their way, loose the battle, but perhaps win the war and help to save the marriage/relationship.

If you define yourselves as a constantly angry couple, it is time to seek some help. Counselling can really help you gain some perspective and strategies to stop you arguing so much.  However, you may want to use this programme. if the idea of counselling does not appeal to you right now.

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