I am hoping to help you get to grips with all that arguing, the endless rows, the shouting, the stone-walling and that horrible sense of rejection.
A constantly angry couple is very often an unhappy couple, though
not necessarily so. Both partners can feel hurt and rejected
after every row. Anger hides the sadness about it all going
wrong. Either one or the other is likely to question their
I am hoping that the information here and on other pages will
equip you to better communicate about why you become so
'passionate' about things. More than anything, I want to reassure
you that because you argue your relationship may actually be very
strong - maybe even because of the arguments!
However, it may not all be roses right now. So, let's start...
First of all, when you begin to focus on meeting each other’s essential emotional needs
(see link to human givens at the bottom of the page), you are much
more likely to ride the waves and calm things down. According to
John Gottman, who has done tons of research into what makes for a
happy, long-lasting relationship or marriage, the most important
thing is that you have 5 positive experiences against one negative
In addition, think about what you would be doing if you weren't arguing! What exciting things have you lined up to do together instead of wasting your time arguing about things that really don't matter in the bigger scheme of things?
If you constantly argue, you are likely to make the same communication mistakes over and again. I am guessing that you are blaming your partner/spouse, can't understand why he/she 'isn't getting it' and why things aren't getting any better. I accept though that he/she may be to blame, but you do need to find another way to get through to him/her.
If you continue to react/behave in the same way - the outcome isn't going to change either.
You may also want to read my page: Warning signs of a breakup (see links).
All those arguments may have led you to consider ending your relationship or marriage. If so, you may want to get a clearer picture of the situation and find out for sure if your relationship or marriage has a chance of survival. My relationship or marriage compatibility test will help you to do that.
If you suspect that your partner is going to leave you soon, you really need to be prepare yourself now - visit my page: How to get your ex back.
Now... back to how you can improve your communication and argue your points without it becoming a damaging row...
Not getting enough quality attention?
Have a look at Text
The Romance Back!
It helps if your partner/husband/wife knows in advance you want to discuss something important, or something that you know would normally cause and argument. Here is what you need to consider.
Decide on a ‘reward’ for after the conversation. Have something that you are both looking forward to doing together. Conversations about difficult subjects are only a part of your relationship. Nurture your marriage or relationship by planning new and rewarding activities. (Tip: a new activity increases the level of dopamine - a ‘feel-good’ hormone linked with excitement and energy)
You may not necessarily come to a conclusion, but if you have managed to have a respectful discussion - you have been successful. Agree on a time when you can build on your discussion to work out some agreement that would suit you both.
Remember, if you love each other, whether you are married or are in a relationship - you'll want the best for your partner. That means neither letting your partner always have it their way nor manipulating conversations to have it your way. Both will only cause more Relationship problems (see links).
If you have a tendency to always want to win ask yourself if you tend to suffer from insecurities in relationships. If so, then a really good way to help you start to deal with your insecurity is hypnosis. Using a hypnosis download would be an effective and user-friendly way to 'have a go' - no visiting a stranger for treatment, very low cost and it will give you a sense of control.
Have a look at my page on Hypnosis Downloads - you'll find a download on insecurity in relationships.
There are times when it is just not a good time to discuss anything contentious:
Also, when you are depressed, everything will seem much bleaker than it probably really is and that of course has an impact on how you communicate. So, if you are suffering from depression, I so want you to feel better, so that you feel stronger to deal with any problems you are facing - including sorting out all those disagreements between the two of you.
I cannot do any better than recommend the work by HypnosisDownloads who have developed a really humane and user-friendly way of treating depression. Have a look at all their downloadable depression treatments.
Sometimes it is difficult to reach a compromise. In that case the person for whom the issue is least important can choose to ‘invest’ in the relationship. He/she can let the other have it their way, loose the battle, but perhaps win the war and help to save the marriage/relationship.
If the two of you define yourselves as a constantly angry couple,
it is time to seek some help. Counselling can really help
you gain some perspective and strategies to stop you arguing so
much. Or if counselling does not appeal to you, check out my
to save your marriage/relationship where you'll find my
review of Lee Baucom's, PhD, method. It helps to stop questioning
your relationship compatibility and truly commit yourself.
Maybe you have been thinking about ending your relationship. Maybe you are worried that you won't be able to carry on, that things will never change. Just to reassure you - I have seen plenty couples go through those stages and come out the other end - with or without help. It can be really worthwhile to just hang on in there, when you really love your wife/husband/partner. Nothing ever lasts, not the bad times either.
Of course, if you are in an abusive relationship, you really need to consider very carefully what you are getting out of sticking with it.
The following questions will help you to write your story. Only by providing me with all the information I need can I write a reply with the best possible advice for ending your relationship.
Be sure to give me your first name. You can choose to give me a fictitious name of course.
Please include as much as is relevant to your situation.
Please answer all
of the questions in your story - I will only write a response if I
I will only have your side of the story and cannot know all the details. You remain responsible for you choices and outcomes.
You will find your request for help here, within the next 36 hours - together with my relationship advice.
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Fine-tune your relationship and lift your spirits!
You may also be interested in:
| How to apologise
Warning signs of a breakup
Dealing with criticism
Stress and your relationship
How to end a relationship
How to say sorry
Images courtesy of: Diego Medrano
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