Stopping couples arguing and fighting

I am hoping to help you get to grips with all that arguing, the endless rows, the shouting, the stone-walling and that horrible sense of rejection.

A constantly angry couple is very often an unhappy couple, though not necessarily so.  Both partners can feel hurt and rejected after every row.  Anger hides the sadness about it all going wrong.  Either one or the other is likely to question their compatibility.

I am hoping that the information here and on other pages will equip you to better communicate about why you become so 'passionate' about things. More than anything, I want to reassure you that because you argue your relationship may actually be very strong - maybe even because of the arguments!

However, it may not all be roses right now. So, let's start...

First of all, when you begin to focus on meeting each other’s essential emotional needs (see link to human givens at the bottom of the page), you are much more likely to ride the waves and calm things down. According to John Gottman, who has done tons of research into what makes for a happy, long-lasting relationship or marriage, the most important thing is that you have 5 positive experiences against one negative one.

In addition, think about what you would be doing if you weren't arguing!  What exciting things have you lined up to do together instead of wasting your time arguing about things that really don't matter in the bigger scheme of things?

Always the same pattern?

If you constantly argue, you are likely to make the same communication mistakes over and again.  I am guessing that you are blaming your partner/spouse, can't understand why he/she 'isn't getting it' and why things aren't getting any better.  I accept though that he/she may be to blame, but you do need to find another way to get through to him/her.

If you continue to react/behave in the same way - the outcome isn't going to change either.

You may also want to read my page: Warning signs of a breakup (see links).

All those arguments may have led you to consider ending your relationship or marriage.  If so, you may want to get a clearer picture of the situation and find out for sure if your relationship or marriage has a chance of survival.  My relationship or marriage compatibility test will help you to do that.

If you suspect that your partner is going to leave you soon, you really need to be prepare yourself now - visit my page: How to get your ex back.

Now... back to how you can improve your communication and argue your points without it becoming a damaging row...

Not getting enough quality attention? Have a look at Text The Romance Back!

Do this to prepare for a 'good' argument

It helps if your partner/husband/wife knows in advance you want to discuss something important, or something that you know would normally cause and argument.  Here is what you need to consider.

• Know what you want to achieve in ideal circumstances
• Consider alternative solutions or outcomes that you can live with
• Read up on confirmation bias and attitude polarisation (see Wikipedia links below)
  
• Work out beforehand what you want to say
• Write it down if necessary
• Think about how you are going to say it
• Practice responding calmly to any potentially adverse reactions
• Read the page on dealing with criticism (see links)
• Know what you are willing to give up - it is not about 'winning'
• Make sure you don't have a difficult conversation when you have drank alcohol (Drinking too much? There is a hypnosis download especially to help you limit your drinking.)
  

Decide on a ‘reward’ for after the conversation.  Have something that you are both looking forward to doing together.  Conversations about difficult subjects are only a part of your relationship.  Nurture your marriage or relationship by planning new and rewarding activities.  (Tip: a new activity increases the level of dopamine - a ‘feel-good’ hormone linked with excitement and energy)

Set the scene for 'fair fighting'

• Make sure that it is a good time for both of you.  Couples turn disagreements into fights simply by picking the wrong time to discuss something contentious.
• Read the page on Relationship communication
• Familiarise yourself with the importance of nonverbal communication (see links)
• Make sure that you won’t be disturbed - phones, bells, tv and radio all off
• Establish ground rules before you start to ensure a 'fair fight' - e.g. agree to stay calm - no shouting, no name calling, no put-downs, etc
• Agree to stop or take a break when you fear you are loosing control
• Set a time limit on the conversation - perhaps 20 - 30 minutes

You may not necessarily come to a conclusion, but if you have managed to have a respectful discussion - you have been successful.  Agree on a time when you can build on your discussion to work out some agreement that would suit you both. 

Remember, if you love each other, whether you are married or are in a relationship - you'll want the best for your partner.  That means neither letting your partner always have it their way nor manipulating conversations to have it your way.  Both will only cause more Relationship problems (see links).

If you have a tendency to always want to win ask yourself if you tend to suffer from insecurities in relationships.  If so, then a really good way to help you start to deal with your insecurity is hypnosis.  Using a hypnosis download would be an effective and user-friendly way to 'have a go' - no visiting a stranger for treatment, very low cost and it will give you a sense of control.

Have a look at my page on Hypnosis Downloads - you'll find a download on insecurity in relationships.

10 Tips that stop couples arguing

1. Invite your spouse to help you each get the best out of the ’chat’
2. Give him/her plenty of time to express him/herself
3. Avoid interrupting at all cost!  Interrupting your partner/wife/husband is sure to lead to an argument
4. Listen out for underlying emotional needs that have not been met.  when you have been married or in a long-term relationship for some time, it is all too easy to lose sight of the fact that you both need to have your essential emotional needs met in balance.
5. Ask questions in a neutral tone of voice; avoid making assumptions
6. Remember: listening does not imply agreeing!
7. Repeat what you think you have heard in your own words
8. Summarise to check that you have understood as much as possible
9. Ask how the other’s solution will solve the problem without arguments
10. Ask/ensure the person allows you to do the same - offer solutions that will prevent you arguing as a couple

Stop arguing, focus on finding a positive solution

• Be specific, focus on a particular issue, don’t drift into, and confuse matters with, other issues
• Do not confuse things by talking about other people and events
• Be brief, if you really need to refer to associated events
• Refer to only a couple of examples of those events - to illustrate if necessary
• Turn complaints into wishes - one of the best ways to stop disagreements turning into fights
• Talk about how you can each contribute to a positive outcome (each of you making a choice of what you can do to help!)
  
• Accept that you are not going to agree - not point in continuing the same arguments
• As a couple you really need to learn to compromise.  Learn to enjoy giving rather than controlling
• Surprise and spoil your partner every now and then - with a special meal, a gift, a little love note tucked in a pocket or bag

How to compromise and stop arguments

• Firstly, ensure equal time to explain both position fully (ground rule!)
• Accept that you cannot have it all your own way
• Say what you are willing to give up
• Brainstorm together for ideas neither of you had even considered - make it fun and who knows what you can come up with!

How to conclude the negotiations

• Confirm what each is responsible for to ensure a successful outcome
• Discuss the best way to remind each other of agreements, without pressure and arguments 
• Be clear together what the consequences are for non-committal
• Set a date and time, when you can ’revisit’ the subject (I call it a ‘board meeting' when I work with couples)

Not a good time to discuss anything

There are times when it is just not a good time to discuss anything contentious:

• when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol - an absolute 'no, no'
• when one or both of you are about to go out
• when you are driving
• when there are other people around
• when your children can overhear
• when you are tired
• when you are hungry
• when you are ill
• when you feel particularly stressed
• on 'special' days - the memory of a negative event is likely to hang around much longer
• when you really know that there is a better time!

Also, when you are depressed, everything will seem much bleaker than it probably really is and that of course has an impact on how you communicate.  So, if you are suffering from depression, I so want you to feel better, so that you feel stronger to deal with any problems you are facing - including sorting out all those disagreements between the two of you.

I cannot do any better than recommend the work by HypnosisDownloads who have developed a really humane and user-friendly way of treating depression.  Have a look at all their downloadable depression treatments.

Are you both constantly angry?

Sometimes it is difficult to reach a compromise.  In that case the person for whom the issue is least important can choose to ‘invest’ in the relationship.  He/she can let the other have it their way, loose the battle, but perhaps win the war and help to save the marriage/relationship.

If the two of you define yourselves as a constantly angry couple, it is time to seek some help.  Counselling can really help you gain some perspective and strategies to stop you arguing so much.  Or if counselling does not appeal to you, check out my page How to save your marriage/relationship where you'll find my review of Lee Baucom's, PhD, method. It helps to stop questioning your relationship compatibility and truly commit yourself.

Time to end the relationship?

Maybe you have been thinking about ending your relationship.  Maybe you are worried that you won't be able to carry on, that things will never change.  Just to reassure you - I have seen plenty couples go through those stages and come out the other end - with or without help.  It can be really worthwhile to just hang on in there, when you really love your wife/husband/partner.  Nothing ever lasts, not the bad times either.

Of course, if you are in an abusive relationship, you really need to consider very carefully what you are getting out of sticking with it.

Can I help you?

The following questions will help you to write your story.  Only by providing me with all the information I need can I write a reply with the best possible advice for ending your relationship.

Be sure to give me your first name.  You can choose to give me a fictitious name of course.

Please include as much as is relevant to your situation.

• What is the problem exactly?
• How long has that been going on?
  
• How long you have been together?
• Are you are living together?  If so, how long for?
• Are there are children involved?
• Are you both the natural parents?
• How old are the children?
• Are you are financially tied?
• What do you do for a living?
• If you want to end it - does your partner have any idea?
• How old are you both?
• What you would like to know from me?

Please answer all of the questions in your story - I will only write a response if I have sufficient information.

Please note:
I will only have your side of the story and cannot know all the details.  You remain responsible for you choices and outcomes.

You may also be interested in:
How to apologise Warning signs of a breakup Dealing with criticism Relationship communication Stress and your relationship How to end a relationship How to say sorry

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Other helpful links:

Psychological Science - Recovery from arguments linked to childhood attachments
Wikipedia: Confirmation bias and Attitude polarisation

Images courtesy of: Diego Medrano

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