Stopping couples arguing and fighting

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I am hoping to help you get to grips with all that arguing.  An angry couple is an unhappy couple, with both of you likely to feel hurt after every row.  I am hoping that the information here and on other pages will equip you to better communicate what you feel so passionate about.

First of all, when you begin to focus on meeting each other’s human givens (see links further down) particularly your essential emotional needs, you are much more likely to ride the waves and calm things down.

You will also want to consider what you would be doing if you weren't arguing!  What exciting things have you lined up together instead of wasting time arguing?

If you are constantly arguing as a couple, you are likely making the same communication mistakes over and again.  I am guessing that you may be blaming your partner/spouse and wonder why things don't improve - I accept though that he/she may be to blame, but you do need to find another way to get through to him/her.  If you continue to react the same - the outcome is going to stay the same.

You may also want to read my page: Warning signs of a breakup (see links).

Have you been wondering whether or not to end your relationship, then this end relationship quiz will help you decide.

Oh ... and in case you suspect that your partner is going to leave you soon, you may as well be prepared - visit my page: How to get your ex back and bookmark it!

Do this to prepare for an 'good' argument

It helps if your partner/husband/wife knows in advance you want to discuss something important, or something that you know would normally cause and argument.  Here is what you need to consider.

• Know what you want to achieve in ideal circumstances
• Consider alternative solutions or outcomes that you can live with
• Work out beforehand what you want to say
• Write it down if necessary
• Think about how you are going to say it
• Practise responding calmly to any potentially adverse reactions
• Read the page on dealing with criticism (see links)
• Know what you are willing to give up - it is not about 'winning'

Decide on a ‘reward’ for after the conversation.  Have something that you are both looking forward to doing together.  Conversations about difficult subjects are only a part of your relationship.  Nurture your marriage or relationship by planning new and rewarding activities.  (Tip: a new activity increases the level of dopamine - a ‘feel-good’ hormone linked with excitement and energy)

Set the scene for 'fair fighting'

• Make sure that it is a good time for both of you.  Couples turn disagreements into fights simply by picking the wrong time to discuss something contentious.
• Read the page on Relationship communication
• Familiarise yourself with the importance of nonverbal communication (see links)
• Make sure that you won’t be disturbed - phones, bells, tv and radio all off
• Establish ground rules before you start to ensure a 'fair fight' - e.g. agree to stay calm - no shouting, no name calling, no put-downs, etc
• Agree to stop or take a break when you fear you are loosing control
• Set a time limit on the conversation - perhaps 20 - 30 minutes

You may not necessarily come to a conclusion, but if you have managed to have a respectful discussion - you have been successful.  Agree on a time when you can build on your discussion to work out some agreement that would suit you both. 

Remember, if you love each other, whether you are married or are in a relationship - you will want the best for your partner.  That means neither giving way to let the other always have it their way or manipulating conversations to have it your way.  Both will only cause more Relationship problems (see links).

10 Tips that stop couples arguing

• Invite your spouse to help you each get the best out of the ’chat’
• Give him/her plenty of time to express him/herself
• Avoid interrupting at all cost!  Interrupting your partner/wife/husband is sure to lead to an argument
• Listen out for underlying emotional needs that have not been met.  when you have been married or in a long-term relationship for some time, it is all too easy to lose sight of the fact that you both need to have your essential emotional needs met in balance (see links).
• Ask questions in a neutral tone of voice; avoid making assumptions
• Remember: listening does not imply agreeing!
• Repeat what you think you have heard in your own words
• Summarise to check that you have understood as much as possible
• Ask how the other’s solution will solve the problem without arguments
• Ask/ensure the person allows you to do the same - offer solutions that will prevent you arguing as a couple

Stop arguing, focus on finding a positive solution

• Be specific, focus on a particular issue, don’t drift into other issues
• Do not confuse things by talking about other people and events
• Be brief, if you really need to refer to associated events
• Refer to only a couple of examples of those, to illustrate if necessary
• Turn complaints into wishes - one of the best ways to stop disagreements turning into fights
• Talk about how you can each contribute to a positive outcome
• Accept that you are not going to agree - not point in continuing the same arguments
• As a couple you really need to learn to compromise.  Learn to enjoy giving rather than controlling.

How to compromise and stop arguments

• Firstly, ensure equal time to explain both position fully (ground rule!)
• Accept that you cannot have it all your own way
• Say what you are willing to give up
• Brainstorm together for ideas neither of you had even considered - make it fun and who knows what you can come up with!

How to conclude the negotiations

• Confirm what each is responsible for to ensure a successful outcome
• Discuss the best way to remind each other of agreements, without pressure and arguments 
• Be clear together what the consequences are for non-committal
• Set a date and time, when you can ’revisit’ the subject (I call it a ‘board meeting' when I work with couples)

Not a good time to discuss anything

There are times when it is just not a good time to discuss anything contentious:

• when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol - an absolute 'no, no'
• when one or both of you are about to go out
• when you are driving
• when there are other people around
• when your children can overhear
• when you are tired
• when you are hungry
• when you are ill
• when you feel particularly stressed
• on 'special' days - the memory of a negative event is likely to hang around much longer
• when you really know that there is a better time!

Are you both constantly angry?

Sometimes it is difficult to reach a compromise.  In that case the person for whom the issue is least important can choose to ‘invest’ in the relationship.  He/she can let the other have it their way, loose the battle, but perhaps win the war and help to save the marriage/relationship.

If you define yourselves as a constantly angry couple, it is time to seek some help.  Counselling can really help you gain some perspective and strategies to stop you arguing so much.

However, Save My Marriage/Relationship is absolutely for you if the idea of counselling does not appeal to you  - I highly recommend it.  Lee Baucom, PhD, the author, is a relationship expert.  Be warned though - he doesn't like badly trained couple counsellors who were only ever trained to counsel one person at the time.  Thank goodness I was trained by the UK best known and most trusted couple counselling agency RELATE.

Time to end the relationship?

Maybe you have been thinking about ending your relationship.  Maybe you are worried that you won't be able to carry on, that things will never change.  Just to reassure you - I have seen plenty couples go through those stages and come out the other end - with or without help.  It can be really worthwhile to just hang on in there, when you really love your wife/husband/partner.  Nothing ever lasts, not the bad times either.

Of course, if you are in an abusive relationship, you really need to consider very carefully what you are getting out of sticking with it.

Can I help you?

The following questions will help you to write your story.  Only by providing me with all the information I need can I write a reply with the best possible advice for ending your relationship.

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Please include as much as is relevant to your situation.

• What is the problem exactly?
• How long has that been going on?
  
• How long you have been together?
• Are you are living together?  If so, how long for?
• Are there are children involved?
• Are you both the natural parents?
• How old are the children?
• Are you are financially tied?
• What do you do for a living?
• If you want to end it - does your partner have any idea?
• How old are you both?
• What you would like to know from me?

Please answer all of the questions in your story - I will only write a response if I have sufficient information.

Please note:
I will only have your side of the story and cannot know all the details.  You remain responsible for you choices and outcomes.

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You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
Warning signs of a breakup Dealing with criticism Relationship communication Nonverbal communication Stress and your relationship How to end a relationship Anger management tips The human givens

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Other helpful links:

Psychological Science - Recovery from arguments linked to childhood attachments

Images courtesy of: Diego Medrano

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