Anger management tips

How to deal with anger and frustration

The more angry and frustrated you become, the more unpredictable you are.  You can’t think straight and hardly know what you are doing.  You may even ‘wake up’ as if you have been in a trance.

When you are very emotional your brain will go into a ‘primitive’ fight or, more likely, flight mode.  It assumes your life is in danger!  It directs your mind and body accordingly, milliseconds before you are consciously aware.  You are in an emotional 'trance state' (see my page: hypnotherapy - does it work).  Depending on its intensity, you may or may not be able to calm yourself down.

On one end of the scale 'anger' gets you out of bed.  On the other hand of the scale it kills.  There is a continuum over which at some point you lose control completely.

What happens when we are angry
or otherwise highly emotional

When you are very angry your brain goes into survival mode.  It adopts a ‘better safe than sorry’ approach. The effects are:

• black and white - ‘all or nothing’ thinking
• loss of objectivity
• loss of context
• narrow focus of attention
• inability to consider other people’s point of view

You can see immediately that there is no point in discussing any subject, when you are in an anger trance state.  So, read on to discover more about what might be going on for you and what to do about it.

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How to deal with anger when you anticipating it

• Set a time limit on a discussion
• Deal with one subject at a time
• Agree to stay calm for that time
• Plan time to relax/have fun after the discussion
• Plan to do some aerobic exercise immediately after

Top anger management tips

How to avoid becoming too angry in the first place

• Avoid making assumptions or jump to conclusions at all cost
• Keep focusing on what is being said
• Avoid interruptions with: "Yes, but…", or "No, I don't....".
• Check what was meant before you respond
• Remain respectful regardless of someone else’s reactions
• Avoid wanting to be right
• Avoid holding a monologue
• Avoid provocations (see box)

Very angry? Take a break

• State calmly that you would like a little time out to reflect
• Agree a time limit for the break - at least twenty minutes
• Take some deep breaths, breath out very slowly
• Continue with counting your breaths: 7 counts in, 11 counts out
• Divert your attention - read, plan, talk to someone else
• Avoid ‘rehearsing’ your reasons for being angry or being right
• Allow your mind and body to calm down - 20 min at least if possible
  
• Then consider the situation from the other person’s perspective

Returning to the conversation?

• Start with listening fully to what the other person has to say
• Know how to deal with criticism
• Pick up further tips from my page on negotiation
• Finish the conversation acknowledging the positives, however small
• What exactly is eating away at you?
• What exactly is eating away at you?
• What exactly is making you angry?  What exactly are the triggers?
• Could it be that you are stuck blaming someone else?
• Write down what you are feeling/thinking, take a few minutes each day
• Avoid ‘rehearsing’ why you are angry the rest of the day
• Postpone dealing with any angry thoughts until your ‘writing time’
• Accept that you cannot change someone else - only yourself
  

What are you dealing with?

It would really help if you could get to the bottom of your anger.  It may be that your anger is a symptom of another problem. 

• Have you been feeling depressed?
• Have you been going through a particularly stressful time?
• Are you having relationship problems?
• Are you suffering from a lack of sleep?
• Are you having problems at work?
• Could you be suffering from a post-trauma stress reaction (see: PTSD symptoms), through a work-related incident, accident or through growing up in a violent environment?
• Do you suffer from low self-esteem and quickly think that people are out to get you?
  

There is no excuse whatsoever for aggressive behaviour!  However, there may be an explanation.

Now you have read this, there is even less of an excuse.  You have the information that can help you to do something about your anger.  You don't deserve to get into a position where you 'lose it' and most certainly people around you don't deserve it.  Take action now!

Unrelenting criticism and name calling are a form of emotional abuse and unacceptable in any relationship.

Anger associated with stress

There is little point in investing in anger management, when you are suffering badly from stress.  The real problem is not your anger - it is your stress level.  Stress damages you and the relationships you have with the people around you.

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