Self help and anger management tips

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Self help and anger management counseling

The more angry and frustrated you become, the more unpredictable you are.  Self help anger management or anger management counseling can both be effective, when you at times can't think straight through anger and frustration.

When you are very very angry, you may hardly know what you are doing.  Perhaps you have even forgotten what you have done whilst in the grip of the 'red mist'.  You ‘wake up’ as if you have been in a trance.

When you are very emotional your brain will go into a ‘primitive’ fight or flight mode.  It assumes your life is in danger!  And you know what?  That is when you are at your most unintelligent!

Your primitive brain runs the show: 'do or die'.  It directs your mind and body accordingly, milliseconds before you are consciously aware.  You are in an emotional 'trance state' and depending on the intensity of your anger, you may or may not be able to calm yourself down.  Oh if only we could see ourselves!

On one end of the scale 'anger' gets you out of bed.  Somewhere in the middle it helps you achieve the seemingly impossible.  On the other end of the scale it kills.  Only you know at which point you are deliberately out to hurt someone and when you are out of control.

I really hope that you the information on this page is going set you on the right track for self help with your anger.

Why are you angry?

To start with you are likely to want some direction with your self help, so first of all you need some further information about your anger.  I will ask the questions I would want to ask you if you came to me (I am a counsellor) for anger management counseling.  You may as well take a pen and paper.  Here we go ...

• Have you always had a 'temper'
• Have you always been easily irritated or frustrated?
• Do you consider people generally as less worthy than you and therefore you have 'given yourself permission' to 'let rip'?
  
• Have you been deeply wounded by someone and/or by something that has happened? 
• Have people you love been deeply hurt? 
• Have you been unfairly treated?
• Have you been badly let down by someone/people?
• Do you seem to be getting angry about 'nothing' - none of these reasons exist for you?
• Do you have the worrier gene? Is there a family history of aggression and violence? (Learn more from the surprising family history and the brain scan of neuroscientist James Fallon)
  
• Have you been feeling depressed?  I have plenty pages on that subject, but start with filling out a Depression questionnaire (see links).
  
• Have you been going through a particularly stressful time?
• Are you having Relationship problems (see links)
  
• Are you suffering from a lack of sleep?  Visit my page with Sleep tips (see links)
  
• Are you having problems at work?
• Could you be suffering from a post-trauma stress reaction, through a work-related incident, accident or through growing up in a violent environment? (see: PTSD symptoms)
• Do you suffer from low self-esteem and quickly feel criticised?  Guess what?  I have a page about that too!
  

Whether what has happened is real or whether you perceive it to be real - if you have searched for information on dealing with anger, you are feeling at a loss as to how to 'manage it'.  Maybe you are well aware that you are hurting the people around you, that you are always on a short fuse, that they can never feel secure that you are going to have a 'good' day or the 'outing' is not going to end up spoiled by your anger.

Other causes of anger:

• loss of confidence for whatever reason
• brain injury
• having been 'allowed' to be angry too much/spoiled as a child and not learned to deal with anger appropriately
• deep down enjoying the power it brings
• substance abuse

These are not excuses for the damage your anger may be doing to other people and your relationships though.  My best relationship advice here then is to find the right professional help in dealing with your anger - anger management counselling from the right therapist can make all the difference.

Anger 'management' counselling

Well - just 'managing' your anger isn't going to be helpful at all!  That is why anger management counselling (as some people might call it) is going to be much more helpful, than just learning what to do with your anger.

You see - there may not be a real need for you to be angry at all.  Depression, PTSD, stress, childhood trauma, emotional trauma, work-related problems, etc all need to be dealt with.  Counselling can really help sort that all out.  There is every likelihood that your anger will just disappear when you've got rid of all that 'old stuff'.

You do have to make sure that you get the right kind of anger 'management' counselling though.  It's unlikely going to be helpful for you to regurgitate all your life's troubles week after week (visit my page on How to find a counsellor for further information)

However, now that you have started investigating what you can do about your fury - read on for some of my anger management tips ...

• USA: Anger management resources
• UK: Anger management resources

What happens when we are angry
or otherwise highly emotional

When you are very angry your brain goes into survival mode.  It adopts a ‘better safe than sorry’ approach. The effects are:

• black and white - ‘all or nothing’ thinking
• loss of objectivity
• loss of context
• narrow focus of attention
• inability to consider other people’s point of view

You can see immediately that there is no point in discussing any subject when you are in an anger trance state.  So, read on and discover more about what might be going on for you.  Use my very best anger management tips and you will be builder better relationships.

Hypnosis instead of anger management counselling

To start you off learning to switch off the over-reactions I thoroughly recommend online hypnosis, before your anger does more damage - to yourself and to others. 

Hypnosis is such a gentle, but oh so powerful a treatment.  It is safe and so effective.  I am absolutely delighted to be able to point you in the direction of the best and most trustworthy people on the internet for the right hypnosis downloads.  Learn more about anger management with hypnosis online.  Alternatively, search for the download that best matches your particular situation.

How to deal with anger when you anticipate it

There are times, when you just know in advance that you are going to get into trouble.  Here are some anger management tips to help you make those occasions more manageable.

• Set a time limit on a discussion
• Deal with one subject at a time
• Agree to stay calm for that time
• Plan time to relax/have fun after the discussion
• Plan to do some aerobic exercise immediately after

Do you feel 'provoked'?

Below is a list of potential provocations.  t comes with a cautionary note - depending on how you act out your anger - a provocation is not an excuse for you to 'lose it'.  It may well be that there is a pattern- match in it for you - you seem to 'flip' without warning, as your brain responds a fraction of a second before conscious awareness.

Equally you can look at this list and use it to help yourself become aware of how much you use these kinds of behaviours and ways of communicating to begin to challenge how you conduct your relationship with your partner, your loved ones, your friends, colleagues and people in general.

Potential provocations from you and others.  Be prepared!
judging put downs attacks trivialising blaming sarcasm sneering	dismissals threats pressure unwanted advice lecturing stonewalling	lying sulking shouting assuming defending justifying

Top self help anger management tips

How to avoid becoming too angry in the first place

• Avoid making assumptions or jump to conclusions at all cost
• Keep focusing on what is being said
• Avoid interruptions with: "Yes, but…", or "No, I don't....".
• Check what was meant before you respond
• Remain respectful regardless of someone else’s reactions
• Avoid wanting to be right - this is one of my best anger management tips
  
• Avoid holding a monologue
• Avoid provocations (see box)

Very angry? Take a break

• State calmly that you would like a little time out to reflect
• Agree a time limit for the break - at least twenty minutes
• Take some deep breaths, breath out very slowly
• Continue with counting your breaths: 7 counts in, 11 counts out
• Divert your attention - read, plan, talk to someone else
• Avoid ‘rehearsing’ your reasons for being angry or being right
• Allow your mind and body to calm down - 20 min at least if possible
  
• Then consider the situation from the other person’s perspective

These self help anger management tips are useful in any situation where something becomes just 'too much' and you can't take it anymore.  Much of this I would be teaching you if you were right here with me for anger management counseling.

Returning to the conversation?

• Start with listening fully to what the other person has to say
• Know how to deal with criticism.  My best anger management tip for that?  Visit my page on Dealing with criticism (see links).
  
• Pick up further tips from my page on relationship communication skills
  
• Finish the conversation acknowledging the positives, however small
• What exactly is eating away at you?
• What exactly is making you angry?  What exactly are the triggers?
• Could it be that you are stuck blaming someone else?  This anger management tip is really worthwhile exploring!
  
• Each day set some time aside to write down your thoughts and feelings
• Avoid ‘rehearsing’ (constantly going over it) why you are angry the rest of the day
• Let go of your angry thoughts until your ‘writing time’ - much easier if you know you can indulge in them legitimately at some point
  
• Accept that you cannot change anybody else but yourself

This list of anger management tips does not read well.  However, each one of these anger management tips has been extracted from what I discuss with my clients.

What are you dealing with?

It would really help if you could get to the bottom of your anger.  It may be that your anger is a symptom of another problem.  You would without doubt be much more successful using my anger management tips, if you dealt with the underlying problem first.  In fact - you may not even need anger management tips once you have tackled those problems.

There is no excuse whatsoever for aggressive behaviour!  However, there may be an explanation.

Now you have read this, there is even less of an excuse.  You have the information that can help you to do something about your anger.  You don't deserve to get into a position where you 'lose it' and most certainly people around you don't deserve it.  Take action now!

Unrelenting criticism and name calling are a form of emotional abuse and unacceptable in any relationship.

Anger associated with stress

There is little point in investing in anger management, when you are suffering badly from stress.  The real problem is not your anger - it is your stress level.  Stress damages you and the relationships you have with the people around you.

If you have relationship/marital problems - do something about it.  I have lots of expert relationship advice on my site. 

You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
Hypnotherapy - does it work PTSD symptoms Depression questionnaire Relationship problems Sleep tips Dealing with criticism How to find a counselor Relationship communication Body language signs Interpreting body language

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News:

15 Sept 2011 - ScienceDaily: Serotonin levels affect the brain's response to anger
ScienceDaily - University of Michigan. "People who have had head injuries report more violent behavior." ScienceDaily, 2 Jun. 2011. Web. 4 Jun. 2011.
9 April 2011 - ScienceDaily: JAMA and Archives Journals (2011, April 5). Partner controlling behaviors appear to be associated with relationship violence.

Images courtesy of: 1 Cecile Graat

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